In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Is This How It All Ends?

There was a night, early in our marriage, when we both thought we were going to die.We lived on the top floor of a brownstone in Brooklyn, but there was no separation between our apartment and the rest of the home- owned by one wealthy family.  The apartment was...

The Stone Pillow

Two analogies for how it is now:It is just a little bit like when you're driving someplace you go often and you don't need to concentrate on the roads you take and turns you make.  You drive unconsciously until that moment when you look around and say, "Wait,...

Art Imitating Life

What, I often wonder, am I trying to do here with these words.  And why, as I walk around throughout any given day, are they forming in my mind, narrating my day to be something more artful than it feels without them?  Without them, it is drudgery....

Sleeping and Eating

People ask me if I'm eating. My Korean mother 'in law tells me to eat a lot- more adamantly than usual. My clothes have become incredibly loose on me and when I set my laptop on my lap while laying down, it hurts my ribs. But eating can be an enjoyable thing and I...

Second Valentine’s Day

In 2001, I filled my own small red spiral notebook with things that I loved about you.  I typed them up into little poems that I printed out on the computer and then pasted in.  They're pretty corny, don't always rhyme, and have a lot of inside jokes but I...

Cleaning the Closet

Ann and I also tackled the closet for the greater part of yesterday afternoon and evening once Audrey had gone to sleep. It's a walk-in closet that you could barely put your pinky into. And I confess, I cannot blame its state on my current grief- it was pretty bad...

Family

Tonight I am missing you- not my husband, lover, friend- but my family.  You were my family. It's amazing how someone you didn't know for a major chunk of your life becomes your family.  Someone so different from you- even a different race like Dan and I-...

Moving Forward

This post is not as hopeful as the title suggests. It's just that everything I do- especially the small and everyday- force it upon me- remind me that time is progressing- further and further away from your life here on earth. Today I gave my parents some library...

New Year

I think a lot about time travel.Last night I watch a Steven Hawking documentary on time travel and worm holes- the tiny holes that actually do exist in the dimension of time- through which we could conceivably travel if they were enlarged thousands of times....

Homesick

The sadness overtakes me in small moments.Yesterday I reach behind my closet door for a sweatjacket hanging there and see your backpack on top of the bins of your clothes.  I reach in the side pocket because I see something there through the netting and take out...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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