In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Cheers

"The Widow's Handbook"'Of the widow's countless death-duties there is really just one that matters: on the first anniversary of her husband's death the widow should think I kept myself alive.'This is the only thing on the last  page found behind the epilogue of...

Ten Years

On September 11, 2001...I opened my eyes half asleep to see the Twin Towers on my left...I was riding the bus into Port Authority and seeing them was my signal that I was almost there.  At Port Authority, I looked at the digital clock as I walked briskly in the...

Five

It is five months.I ride the ferry into my counseling session and think about how the two wordless times in my life- falling in love with you- and this time- have also been the most word-filled.  I say I have no words, there are no words...and I write and I...

Beautiful and Terrible Things

"You have to give God the option to work in the present.  You and Audrey have a life to live, even though it's not the one you wanted- it's the one you have," a friend and old boss writes to me yesterday.Give God the option to work in the present. Is my heart so...

Stage 2

It's definitely not that cut and dry- the grieving process isn't something that goes from one stage to the next- it is a spiral you go up and down, repeating the various stages throughout days, weeks, months, and years.  I despise the spiral.At the tomb of...

2011 On To Something

So we're home now.  As I suspected, it was startling at first.  We got back around 8 pm last night, New Years Eve.  I turned on the heat, watered the Christmas tree.  I smelled your shirt that hangs over your chair.   I tried to ease the...

Another Widow

It's strange because until now, I never realized how many widows and widowers there were in the world. All the time- having gone through what I'm going through now, and still breathing.It remind me a lot of miscarriage. It's not something people talk of at all, but if...

Off the Hook

I am forced to move forward.  My landlord is still selling our place and I've been throwing myself into searching to either buy or rent.  Our lease ends in less than three months.  I don't think I've ever moved anywhere without you there or helping....

A Cup of Coffee

I'm having one of those moments, right now, at this very moment, where I am absolutely winded with disorientation.  With the fact that you lived here, with me, were my husband and Audrey's father, and our life was "normal," and now it's not and I haven't seen you...

I Do Not Wish to Keep

"Are you taking suitcases as well?" I emailed the church administrator.  "I have a nice one that I do not wish to keep."Last week I dropped off your suitcase at a church that was collecting donations.  This is the suitcase I searched around for when you...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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