In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Fire

And while I was finishing up my time in the kitchen this morning, the fire alarm in our building went off as it often does.  It's loud and in between the siren, a computerized voice comes on saying in robotic fashion: "May I have your attention.  A fire has...

God Jul

In the winter before the holidays, you were touring in Europe. You wrote me that you kept seeing the words "God Jul" everywhere in Scandinavia. You thought it was a sign- God telling you to put him and me first in your life. I looked it up and discovered it meant...

Stuck

I'm back in the anger phase, but I'd hardly call them phases.  It's just that now I feel angry again.When I feel most angry, it usually has to do with the fact that Audrey has no father now. why why why why why why why.Today I watched her class and another at the...

Weeding, Watering

This morning we went to church.  Man, I have such a hard time in church lately.  I go because it seems like a good routine.  And I do feel a tenderness towards the people as I hear them trying to understand the ancient documents with cities and names...

Two Days Afterwards

Two days after the first anniversary of your death, I sit drinking a glass of wine on the balcony reading a book called "Art Experiences for Toddlers and Twos."  It is raining.  The sound of the cars going fast on the wet pavement is a comfort. "Dip colored...

The Most Horribly True Cliches

Home is Where the Heart IsIt is.  The widow is struck homeless.  The house- painting my own walls, the American dream- none of it matters.   The home you have lived in suddenly looks unfamiliar.  Oates says that's because it is drained of meaning...

Saturated

Thursday morning.Woke up after a very intense estrangement dream in which I was demanding Dan choose his career or me. Telling him that he simply could not have both.  There was a longing and aching that stayed with me after waking.  It was hard to get up. A...

The People Who Stay

You read it over and over on other widow blogs or forums- this kind of tragedy changes and defines the relationships in your life.  The people you would've expected to be there- are largely absent.  The people from the periphery somehow step into the center...

All the Answers

Following the phone call, during the first few days after I'd learned of your death- not much was clear. I couldn't eat, sleep, I smelled weird, got my period 7 days early...definitely experienced a chemical change due to the trauma. But there are a few lucid moments....

Neurons and Synapses

A friend whom I've come to know through this blog emailed me this the other day.  (Thank you, Anne) It's from "The Brain in Love" by Daniel G. Amen, MD: "What happens in the brain when you lose someone you love? Why do we hurt, long, even obsess about the other...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No feed found.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to create a feed.