In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Daddy Phone

When Audrey was in the womb, I read in some pregnancy magazine or website that if you spoke through a used toilet paper roll, the baby could hear you better.  You were happy with the idea and began speaking into my belly through an empty brown toilet paper roll...

Stuck

I'm back in the anger phase, but I'd hardly call them phases.  It's just that now I feel angry again.When I feel most angry, it usually has to do with the fact that Audrey has no father now. why why why why why why why.Today I watched her class and another at the...

Good Friday

I've always felt a solemnity on this day.  As if the busy world proceeded but with a black backdrop that was hard to pick up on, but there...if you were very still or quiet. Today I felt that solemnity.  But I also felt comfortable.  I could wear black....

Proud

July 17th, 1999- (incidentally our wedding date 5 years later though we didn't realize that when we picked it)- we drove down to Maryland to play at a church youth rally. We had met three times before this and I liked you, but it was on this trip that we both fell in...

More Absence

It's funny how people keep telling me they felt your presence last night throughout the concert- in the music, the stories, the words spoken.All I feltwas your absence.

Five

It is five months.I ride the ferry into my counseling session and think about how the two wordless times in my life- falling in love with you- and this time- have also been the most word-filled.  I say I have no words, there are no words...and I write and I...

Today

Today's tasks so far- let Audrey complain for a while when she woke up at six something because I was too tired to get up. Get her up, change her diaper, dress her, feed her, give her her vitamin, brush her teeth- and...thankfully- hand her over to grandma and grandpa...

Getting Things Done

For people who are always making to-do lists, it's a nice change of pace to make a "done" list. I realize, that since July 6th, I have done a lot.I have learned of my husband's sudden death and am still breathing.I've planned a wake and funeral, picking out photos for...

Grief and Hope

Before her nap, Audrey and I were planning her birthday party a bit.  In terms of invites, her only request was Grandma and Grandpa.  But then after I'd put her down for her nap, she was dancing and banged her head...so requested the little cat ice pack....

Dark

It is dark so early now.  It adds to the intense malaise I feel in the afternoons.  It's on these afternoons when I really think about what's going on and the lighting adds to the nightmare effect.  I move very slowly as I heat the pot of boiling water...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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