In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Ineffable

Tonight is horrible.  The permanence sinks in deeper. There has not yet been room to think about the future or the reality that faces me- but yesterday after meeting with a financial advisor, I felt it.  He estimated Audrey's college expenses at $400,000 for...

This is All Wrong

On the way back home from the city yesterday, I think about how only now, now that you're gone, do I see our relationship clearly.  This is because it is over.  I am not in it, but holding it in my hand now like a box- not a coffin, but a present.I stop in...

Acknowledgement

Another Sunday night I've made it to...it's almost like my weekends are what weekdays are for most  people- the working days- the ones I must "get through."  Because they are so quiet. I play the role of the young widow as if in a film quite often, out of...

Estelle

That was the name you liked for a girl for many years while I knew you, but once I was pregnant, I don't think you really suggested it much anymore. I saw it as an old lady name, but you said it reminded you of pastel- so it sounded creative and colorful. We went to...

Black Cat, Purple Lights, Separation

Tonight before her bath, since I had to take out the trash and get the mail anyway, Audrey and I decided to go for a quick walk around outside and look for her the moon- which she's been enchanted with for about a year now.  On our way down the little path in the...

Fire

And while I was finishing up my time in the kitchen this morning, the fire alarm in our building went off as it often does.  It's loud and in between the siren, a computerized voice comes on saying in robotic fashion: "May I have your attention.  A fire has...

More Absence

It's funny how people keep telling me they felt your presence last night throughout the concert- in the music, the stories, the words spoken.All I feltwas your absence.

Eleven

One more month.I last saw you on June 29th, 2010.   I miss you so much.Bye, I said.  See you in a few weeks.  I'm not gonna cry this time.Then you closed the door and I cried.And that was just a foretaste.

The Story Retold

This is the story.You were on tour with a well-known singer.  It was your second time in Europe.  You had gone in 2009.  The day before you left, I made sure you had your teeth cleaned, we went to the park with Audrey- she rode the carousel.  We...

Kitchen

I woke up to another morning.I got Audrey changed, dressed, fed, and ready to go to the play group this morning.  Later, she pretended she was sleeping on my bed with her eyes tightly scrunched closed and her little body alive with excitement and little jolts....

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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