In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Time

I haven't seen you since June 29th, 2010.This is the longest time we've been apart for over ten years. It's not surprising that a grieving person feels removed from time. Time stops with the phone call telling you the news you've dreaded in your subconscious for years...

The Seven Chord

For the first time- starting to feel like playing some old songs I wrote on the guitar- some Dan and I wrote together...Audrey's been occupied doing this one puzzle for a long time these days so she's been doing the puzzle while I play a bit.  Two ladies doing...

Consolidation

Was thinking today how when you get married you consolidate your stuff.  We had two of everything at first I remember because I was 28 and you were 27.  Two stereos, two computers.  We consolidated.   One. Now that you're gone, I have two of...

for just a short while…

"Dan was a wonderfully talented musician, of course, but he was even greater than that in his everyday life. He was incredibly sweet, with an especially gentle, kind manner. He was unbelievably patient, and he was a great friend and listener. Dan (“Mucho Macho”) was...

Full

The real weight of grief seems to come when I am full but can't get any of it out in words or otherwise. It's like being nauseous but you can't throw-up, the humidity before a summer thunderstorm.

Holidays

I have no organized thoughts this evening.I realized that I never had a bed larger than a twin until I got married.  It's strange sleeping in a queen sized bed alone now, though I guess it'd be weird if I slept in a twin bed too.I missed half of my counseling...

Holding Up

I like kimchi a lot more than I used to.  Ate a whole bowl yesterday with some duk mandoo gook I took out from a local mandoo place.  I even enjoyed the smell and purposely inhaled deeply a few times.I have a really hard time using explanation marks in my...

In Your Coat

I can still feel my feet on your tailbone and backbone as you lay down on the ground begging me to step on your back.  I can feel what it felt like as I slowly moved my feet up your spine- "slower, press down one foot at a time..." you'd say.  "I can't!...

Guest of Honor

I have been overwhelmed- too overwhelmed to write much here that would be coherent.Audrey and I both have colds.I found out a few weeks ago my landlord whom Dan and I subletted our apartment from is selling it.  We'd have to move by the end of the summer- so...

Four Months

It is just hours from the four month mark.  I will not recognize the day of your death, but the day before when you were alive.  It is now 130 days since I saw your face and kissed you goodbye.  I still have very little grasp on the fact that I will not...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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