In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Spring Cleaning

Last night we had a lovely barbecue at one of Audrey's preschool friend's homes.  They are a family of five with a nice home, big backyard and Audrey had a great time.  On the drive home always, the sadness comes- and I realize that these new friends have...

Twelve Years Ago

It was this day 12 years ago.  We, introduced by a mutual friend because of a common pursuit of music, had spoken once on the phone earlier that week when you called me.  When the phone rang, strangely, I had been on my knees, praying.  We spoke of some...

Googled

Realized when I go to the Google sign on Dan's iphone it lists the history of all of the things he looked up with his voice search that was so cute/funny to see him do. You can tell a lot about a person by what they've googled in the month before they died...what they...

Live.

The other day I google your nickname.  I hadn't done this before.  If I google your name all I see are notices of your death as "Regina Spektor's cellist."  But I was surprised by some of the things that came up with your nickname.  Reviews at...

Many Layers

I wish I could funnel these feelings into words somehow but I just don't think I can.  I am frustrated with the lack of visibility or tangibility of this immense pain. I've been feeling nauseous a lot, and too tired to do a lot.  The sight of your clothes is...

More Regarding Audrey

I've already told you what Audrey will know about you. But I also want you to know that I will try to care for her the way you would've wanted me to.  I can't help feeling on a daily basis, even though she's mine and I carried her in my womb, that I've been...

Jumping

I've been waiting for Audrey to jump for a while. She tries so hard but usually her feet don't leave the ground and she just bends her knees and bounces up and down. But just now before her nap, she was a bit hyper after the morning with grandma and grandpa. So...

Thank You Cards

Other than a few addresses I'm waiting for from your brothers, the thank you cards are complete.There were just over 200 that I sent out.  I used a direct mail company and created a postcard with a photo of Audrey on the front and back.   I knew I'd never...

Cleaning the Closet

Ann and I also tackled the closet for the greater part of yesterday afternoon and evening once Audrey had gone to sleep. It's a walk-in closet that you could barely put your pinky into. And I confess, I cannot blame its state on my current grief- it was pretty bad...

Widow Lingo

So, there's a whole widow world out there, and I've been slowly wading in I guess.  There are websites, blogs like mine, message boards, something called Widow Camp- yes camp, sites that will match you with another widow, and even merchandise for sale.Yesterday I...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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