In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Sunday Night Thoughts

Random, unorganized thoughts from the past few days.I didn't think I should have to give up anything else for Lent this year. Not that we did this every year- but a few times.  There was that one year you gave up PS2 and I gave up chocolate.  But then I went...

Powerless

All of my earlier more pragmatic thoughts aside, there is a certain primal rage a mother feels to see something so precious taken from her child- to know an invisible but potent pain has been placed upon her at such an early age.  Who is there to blame?  Who...

Without Years

Grief is nostalgia without the years.It is nostalgia that holds both the past and the future in mind simultaneously.The uncomfortable feeling you have when you revisit a childhood school, town, or home you grew up in (watching an episode of The Wonder Years produced a...

After Every Milestone

Another holiday down. Up next- your birthday.  Usually the time when you're catching up to me- but not this time. If you had lived, I would've bought you an old-fashioned metronome for your birthday or Christmas.  This was already written down on a list of...

She Does

I was railing and ranting before when I was alone- talking to you about how you've left us here alone- and you left Audrey without a father- I said. I swear this thought could not have come from me because I would hate the Christianese sentiment and it would mean...

My First Time Grocery Shopping and Lost Keys

Listening to Audrey talk to herself in her crib before she naps- hopefully.  "Audrey appa died," she just said. She has started referring to you as "Audrey appa" instead of just "appa."  I'm not sure why.  It makes me sadder- if that's possible....

Do It Again Tomorrow

I am continually in awe of how time keeps progressing before my eyes like one of those time-lapse videos.  I wonder to myself often if something in your death changed the very substance of time itself for only me. Even so the loss- still jarring and...

Remembering

So, once one of my posts was published on the Times parenting blog, I received a few comments that seemed, well, just a bit judgmental.  A few people believed I was "burdening" Audrey with the extra responsibility to remember her father.  A few just couldn't...

May 31st 1999 According to Her

That morning I decided on a whim to go to the mall before heading into the city to meet you- I wanted to buy a new outfit- and I'm not sure why.  But I did.  It was nothing fancy- light green short overalls from Old Navy and a periwinkle t-shirt with stripes...

A Partnership

I've kissed your picture good night in the dark living room, Audrey is singing in her crib: "Rain, rain go away," something she's just started to do a day or so ago. So now it's time to write. I've been thinking about how more than anything- having a child makes you...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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