In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Two Bouquets

Why am I fixated on who will walk Audrey down the aisle?  We've got a few more decades 'til then, but I guess it's something I already said from time to time to you- "One day you'll be walking her down that aisle."  You would say something like, "Oh don't...

Meridian

The words come less easily now.  The loss saturates me to my bones.  It's harder to eye it objectively.  I have the same kinds of clumps of thoughts throughout the day, but at the end of it- I can't string them together into anything other than this...

Scaffolding

Yesterday I went to the grief counselor session ready to tell her: I have no hope anymore- it's gone.  I have no faith.  What do I do?  How do I go on with this pain?  I cried in the car on the way there and told Joe who was driving me that it was...

Ephemeral

This has been my favorite word for many years.  It comes from the Greek meaning "only lasting for a day." I always thought about how much of a word's sound- pleasing or unpleasant to our ears- came from its meaning.  Is it that words with ugly meanings sound...

Introductions

It occurs to me today that most of the people I talk to on at least a semi-regular basis, were not people I even knew before you died.  Of course, the friends I had before are still there, as is my family.  But these are some of my new friends Dan, and I'd...

Can’t Help But Wonder

Last Father's Day- I made waffles in our waffle maker with whipped cream and heart shaped strawberries.  I tried to make your coffee really good grinding fresh beans and using the French press- I think I've gotten much better at it since you died. This must be...

August 3, 2003

I'm pretty sure I wrote about our engagement last year on this day, but since then I finally was able to hack into Dan's old xanga account and find his own version of it.  He had published it back then, but later saved it to a draft setting. You have given me...

The Most Horribly True Cliches

Home is Where the Heart IsIt is.  The widow is struck homeless.  The house- painting my own walls, the American dream- none of it matters.   The home you have lived in suddenly looks unfamiliar.  Oates says that's because it is drained of meaning...

Before or After

In the beginning, this is so easy to distinguish.  Each time you go somewhere- the grocery store, the zoo, a restaurant, you are aware that the last time you came was with him. You know that the roll of paper towels that you're using were purchased by him when he...

In Step

Today I had a memory that I haven't thought of in a very long time.  It was July of 1999.  I was dropping you off after our car ride to Virginia- it was only our third time meeting- nothing had happened between us yet. You lived in Staten Island at the time...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner