In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

9.4.2000

Remember That?

My past is not shared with anyone anymore.That's why the memories are so painful.  Yes, I have memories- and I write them all down in another private journal- all of the funny stories, hidden jokes, and just random moments we shared alone together.   I write...

Nothing New

I get that people who haven't been through this can't "get" it.  I couldn't have before, and that is no one's fault.  I'm glad not too many people do.But every now and then I'm reminded exactly how much people don't know my world...like yesterday when an...

Many Layers

I wish I could funnel these feelings into words somehow but I just don't think I can.  I am frustrated with the lack of visibility or tangibility of this immense pain. I've been feeling nauseous a lot, and too tired to do a lot.  The sight of your clothes is...

Just One Moment

And then there are times...apart from all the questions and philosophizing and theologizing I do here, apart from the mothering I do- telling my daughter that yes, appa died, but we can still love him and he loves us, apart even from the process of grieving I practice...

Email 9.09

9/12/09 Anyways, I miss you and miss a so much! I thank god for you 2, cuz Im nothing without you two.

Surprised

The question is not why is there suffering, but why are we surprised by it?  Why do we not expect it?Are we programmed to believe in a world without it?This question seems to get more at Truth than the self-pitying, "Why?" or "Why me?"

Closing Thoughts

One of the moments that stands out in my mind with great clarity took place about a week after your funeral.  A good friend had come from California to stay with me for a few days, and we ended up cleaning a little bit.  She, good friend that she is, cleaned...

Email August 31, 2000 Dan to Julia

Last night Audrey woke up crying at 4 am.  I go in all the time now because I know she needs the extra security.  She's been putting things together more and more.  This morning she was jumping on the bed and I told her she'd get hurt.  She stopped...

A Bird and a Dog

The weekend we "fell in love"- july 17-1999-our third time meeting- we were driving down to Maryland for a youth rally I had been asked to play at. And in the car, I quizzed you with this little quiz that my friend, who was studying psychology, had recently asked me....

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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