In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Three Months

Last night I had another dream where we were estranged.  I have read this is common for new widows.  Your subconscious tries to figure things out while you dream.  So mine is trying to understand why we're not together.  Where you are. The widow I...

Empathy

I've always been an empathetic person.  I'm not sure what made me this way- whether it's genetic, environmental- whether something instilled by my parents, or a sensitivity resulting from the difficulties of my youth.  I could not watch someone else cry...

The Line Between Heaven and Earth

The grief as I near six months is like a vice.  It tightens.I've also been feeling nauseous after every meal I eat, and this seems to be getting worse.  A friend says maybe it's acid reflux.  Maybe.I took Audrey to a birthday party yesterday afternoon....

On My Knees

Yesterday was a darker day than most, but the thought of writing about it- trying to capture the complex  kind of darkness- is overwhelming.  Words will fail...words will fail- the stream of consciousness speed of light kind of pain says over and over as I...

Off the Hook

I am forced to move forward.  My landlord is still selling our place and I've been throwing myself into searching to either buy or rent.  Our lease ends in less than three months.  I don't think I've ever moved anywhere without you there or helping....

The Most Horribly True Cliches

Home is Where the Heart IsIt is.  The widow is struck homeless.  The house- painting my own walls, the American dream- none of it matters.   The home you have lived in suddenly looks unfamiliar.  Oates says that's because it is drained of meaning...

Do It Again Tomorrow

I am continually in awe of how time keeps progressing before my eyes like one of those time-lapse videos.  I wonder to myself often if something in your death changed the very substance of time itself for only me. Even so the loss- still jarring and...

Where Are You?

My heart broke a few times tonight.  The other week when we went to IKEA with my parents, Audrey played a little game if I was walking ahead of them or my dad was saying in the cutest little voice, "Where are you Momma?"  or "Where are yoo Grampa?" Tonight...

Han

Han: a collective feeling of lament, suffering and loss.  That's the best definition I can come up with. It has no translation in the English language. I thought I could sense this han in you Daniel- this collective consciousness of a small, but strong war-torn...

What is Left

I wonder how long I'll dream of you nightly.  The other night you shook your head at me and told me that my taste in music was slipping.  So you.The truth is I can't really listen to music anymore.  Or watch movies.  Or even eat a good meal and...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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