In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Chaotic and Quiet

Yesterday the counselor gave me some ideas for art therapy for Audrey.  She said that since she seems so advanced in terms of her understanding and grieving that maybe I can help her to have a means of expression, besides just the other projects I've been doing...

Wrapping Things Up

How foolish of me to have believed somewhere in my soul that one year meant I'd be wrapping things up. Anniversary: returning annually.  annus versus in the Latin.Had been a word with a pleasant connotation to me before this.  In grieving circles they call...

Recording

I think I've been in "strong widow" mode for A's birthday and now for this benefit concert coming up...and starting to wonder when I'll fall apart and how badly.I feel the pain constantly, but sometimes if i'm busy- I forget the permanence for a bit.I want to ask...

You changed us…

"Dan was the most genuine, humble, and kind person I have ever met.  I first met him at church (St. John’s KUMC) and right away sensed the amount of humility he had, despite all the talent God has given him.  He never cared for being “cool” and didn’t have a...

August 3, 2003

I'm pretty sure I wrote about our engagement last year on this day, but since then I finally was able to hack into Dan's old xanga account and find his own version of it.  He had published it back then, but later saved it to a draft setting. You have given me...

An Important Distinction

This morning my shower was brief but it was one of those that eventually released in me those cries and moans that come from so deep within.  I think I remember just asking the one-worded question, "What?"Because before you can really even get to the why, you...

June 29, 2010

The last time I touched you, held you, saw your face, said goodbye.

Locked Box

There is no one who can give me any answers.  No one.  I feel like I sit at the computer sometimes waiting for a magic email or message to tell me what's going on or give me some answers.  But really, no pastor, friend, book, or even counselor can say...

The Problem with Atheism

No, I haven't felt much like writing this week.  Just logging into the account I have here makes me feel sick, so I've been avoiding it. Tomorrow is your birthday honey. I am sad that Audrey never got to celebrate a birthday with you.  The first year she was...

Your Own Funeral

I bought my grave a few weeks ago, and I can tell you- going to your spouse's funeral is the closest thing to attending your own. You are so close to that person- sharing one life, one flesh- sharing a past, a future- that seeing their body there- the one that you...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner