In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Throw Me Into the Fire

There is a fine balance in grief of surrender and fighting- a white flag and a battle cry.  Yet again, childbirth comes to mind.  You must embrace the pain of labor in order to dilate.  You must surrender to it, or you will not progress.  But then...

Things I’m Thinking About Doing

Making the album I planned on making you with photos and memorabilia from your tours.Eventually sifting through all of the memorial letters I received and putting them in a hard bound book for Audrey and I to read together one day.Growing my hair indefinitely.Buying a...

Refrigerator Buzz

Rainbows were apparently abounding over Brooklyn and Manhattan today, but I didn't see any of them.  And of course, it was raining all afternoon and then the sun broke out, hence the rainbows.  And that's pretty much a good estimation of how I'm feeling this...

Three More Chinese Fortunes

I mentioned the one about moving to a great new home within the year.In Dan's older wallets- I just found the photo inserts in his "memoranda" - a little box I kept for each of us with special things- there are 3 more.In one of the inserts from before we were married:...

Afternoon

It is a very quiet afternoon.I try to close my eyes while Audrey naps, but I find my thoughts too heavy for sleep and too tired for words.

Work

Your success did not come easily. I think when you first graduated- a semester early from Berklee- you expected it to, but just this past year I told you I was kind of glad you had to wait a few years and work at jobs you hated. It kept you humble I thought and gave...

The Missing Begins

The missing begins.People would say in the early days, "You must miss him so much," but really the missing hadn't begun.  I was in total shock, trying to figure out what strange dimension I'd stepped into when I picked up my phone around noon on July 6th.  I...

She Does

I was railing and ranting before when I was alone- talking to you about how you've left us here alone- and you left Audrey without a father- I said. I swear this thought could not have come from me because I would hate the Christianese sentiment and it would mean...

Felt

Unexpectedly tough day- which is always worse than the days that are expectedly so.It's been lonely lately- I think for both of us.  Audrey's imaginary friends who faded to the background after she started preschool are prominent again.  Her ballet class and...

With Me

Debilitating.Sinking in- more and more each day. You have died.You- who was with me when I fell in love, who was with me when I dated, when I got engaged, when I got married, on my honeymoon, when I first saw my child's heartbeat, in the birthing room...you were with...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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