In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

This I Cannot Reconcile

The very same thing that brings me joy...Audrey...is the very same thing that prevents me from even coming close to reconciling your early, sudden death.I look at old videos of her right after you died and see the dramatic difference.  I recall how she was just...

Comprehension

For the past week or so, I have completely lost track of the days.  I have to think really hard to remember what day it is.  Today is Monday, July 4th. Last year the 4th was a Sunday.  I dressed Audrey in a blue and white dress you'd picked out for her...

Friday Night

Quiet.The Friday before Labor Day Weekend.  It must be an exciting weekend for those in the world.  They must have plans and feel the relief of an extra day off from work.  Maybe they'll travel or see friends...try to make the most out of this last...

Liturgy

Going back to church will be hard- though I'd like to at some point.  It will probably have to be a different kind of church.In talking to other widows, I've noticed a similarity- they feel most comfortable at a liturgical service or Catholic mass- one even...

Closure

Words haven't been writing themselves throughout my day lately.  The pain is still there, bereft of insights, epiphanies, themes.  The grief, I think today, has gone stale.  I create my own three stages of grief: fresh, stale, and rotten.  The key,...

More Signs

I've thought of two other signs, besides the ones that I listed in a previous post, that seemed like some kind of prophecy or forewarning. This past winter, I was enchanted with Korean dramas. I watched quite a few online and told you how they just made me so happy....

You changed us…

"Dan was the most genuine, humble, and kind person I have ever met.  I first met him at church (St. John’s KUMC) and right away sensed the amount of humility he had, despite all the talent God has given him.  He never cared for being “cool” and didn’t have a...

Husband and Wife

There are certain things unique to the relationship between a man and a woman- a husband and wife- that are therefore unique to the grief process one goes through as opposed to other kinds of losses.  These have to do with the way in which a male and female...

Two

How do you measure two years?Two years of saying goodbye.Of wanting to wake up from a bad dream.Of hovering somewhere just outside of my physical body- watching all this.Two years.  A few changed light bulbs.  A couple of bottles of shampoo.   Lots of...

Museum

I have this urge to make a museum of everything I have left...the things I have left from you.Underneath one glass case would be all of the jewelry you bought me over the years. Not expensive, but pretty things you picked out with your artful eye. Underneath another,...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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