In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Fifty Years

Tonight is quiet and brutal.  The realization of all I've lost is fresh.I took out one of the framed photos from the funeral and looked you in the eye.  It's the kind of photo where I can believe for a little bit I am really looking into your eyes.I read...

Googled

Realized when I go to the Google sign on Dan's iphone it lists the history of all of the things he looked up with his voice search that was so cute/funny to see him do. You can tell a lot about a person by what they've googled in the month before they died...what they...

Closing Thoughts

One of the moments that stands out in my mind with great clarity took place about a week after your funeral.  A good friend had come from California to stay with me for a few days, and we ended up cleaning a little bit.  She, good friend that she is, cleaned...

And Yet

Today's been pretty miserable which seems to be typical of the "day before."  Audrey seemed especially aware of the anniversary.  She sat looking at albums by herself while I cleaned the kitchen this morning.  I came out and stood behind her just in...

Groaning

The two happiest times in my life, besides the early days when we first met, were the year of our engagement, and the year I was pregnant with Audrey.Those two years were filled with expectation and planning for the arrival of something so precious and so monumental....

Chaotic and Quiet

Yesterday the counselor gave me some ideas for art therapy for Audrey.  She said that since she seems so advanced in terms of her understanding and grieving that maybe I can help her to have a means of expression, besides just the other projects I've been doing...

The Winding

From day one, it's full of contradictions- and the move has been no different.A widow friend warns me that it might feel after we move, as if you disappeared or never existed, because our new life will no longer have a place for you.  Audrey asks if we can call...

2 Months

Is today two months since it's September 6th and you died on July 6th?  Or is two months eight weeks?  I guess I don't even know and maybe that's why the date keeping thing hasn't been as important to me- either that or I'm just not in "time" yet.  I...

Still Grieving

I'm starting to get that a lot- from a lot of well-meaning people.  It's not that they're grieving with me anymore; it's that they're still grieving.  As if it's been such a long, long time, and though life is going on as usual- hey, they still remember...

2 am Looking at Photos

Is there anything that can mitigate the freshness of the pain?I am tired of writing because I have nothing else to say.  It's the same thing.  I try to say it over and over again because words fail me every time. It's like I'm in a haze and a few times a...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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