In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Unraveling

It is sixteen months.  It is very, very quiet now.  I am pretty sure I am lucky that the emails/correspondence/visits lasted for as long as they did.  I remember now how the grief counselor told me to ask myself why God would be giving me this quiet...

Dust and Glory

More beauty, and truth (are these always companions in some way?) this time in words:"This is my dilemma... I am dust and ashes, frail and wayward, a set of predetermined behavioural responses ... riddled with fears, beset with needs... the quintessence of dust and...

Lock of Hair

I've thought about washing your lock of hair- it's a large one- for about a week now.  I went so far as to take it out of the bag, put two of Audrey's ponytail holders around the middle so it doesn't come apart, and sit it on top of the bag by our bathroom sink....

Answers

The counselor told me I would hate the support group and I pretty much did.  I signed something about confidentiality so I guess I'm pretty limited as to what I can say.Though I'm thankful for it, no one there was in my situation- no young widows with young...

I Have Nothing to Offer

Thinking just now of one of our first talks together- probably in September or October of 1999. We'd had the "define the relationship" talk so early- just a few weeks after our trip to Maryland. And then things got so dramatic for a number of reasons. So I remember us...

Wordkeeping: Why I Write Here

That's what I like to call writing...wordkeeping.  I guess it's a made-up word. But it's more descriptive of what I've been doing here...keeping and collecting all of the words we wrote to each other.  Because we were both writers, I have so many words....

Previous Life

"Don't worry- I'm going to die first..."  "No!"  "Yes...if you died first, I just couldn't go on..."At least once daily I flash back.  Parts of it are sharp, while others are blurred.  I envision myself floating from room to room.  But one...

Family Photograph

Yesterday I took Audrey to a photography studio to get her picture taken.  I figured she's newly two still and I didn't have any great photos.  I thought it would be fun, and I thought I would feel strong- a grieving mother who takes her child for photos....

Swimming

Today I took Audrey for a swimming lesson. Wearing the same swimsuit I wore when I picked up the phone and heard the words. I think I dreaded it unconsciously all day. It was eleven months.  After turning our little wooden perpetual calendar to six, I turned the...

Mothering You

We are running out of the paper towels and toilet paper that you ran to Target for before you left. I've been thinking about this post for a long time.  The grief counselor told me that we grieve the relationship the way it was lived, and in our relationship, I...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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