In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Powerless

All of my earlier more pragmatic thoughts aside, there is a certain primal rage a mother feels to see something so precious taken from her child- to know an invisible but potent pain has been placed upon her at such an early age.  Who is there to blame?  Who...

Losing Faith

We all go around walking in faith each day, whether we think we're religious or spiritual or whatever the hell you're comfortable calling it. We cross the street in faith that the car stopped at the light or crossing won't decide to run us down. We take an airplane...

March 1

Spring comes quickly.I find myself unprepared.January and February were like hiding places.Pathetic fallacy of bare branches and short days.  Staying inside. Snow brought silence and softness.   I felt safe when I woke up to find it snowing.Now rolling in...

Disappearance

Yesterday Audrey and I bought big bins for your clothes.  She chose the color orange, which in retrospect, I've been a bit unhappy with since it's more like a neon orange and the black handles make me think of Halloween- but I just didn't want a dark, unhappy...

This Week

 On Monday of this week I finally made it to the orthopedist.  I was upset to see the night before as I was filling out the patient history forms I'd printed from their website that it asked for the disease history of your spouse and if they were deceased,...

Consolidation

Was thinking today how when you get married you consolidate your stuff.  We had two of everything at first I remember because I was 28 and you were 27.  Two stereos, two computers.  We consolidated.   One. Now that you're gone, I have two of...

Pragmatic Thinking

Since your death, I've had these moments that seem like totally clear thinking- frighteningly pragmatic and emotionless though- so I know they are not. Actually they are just a way I think I'm trying to survive.But I stop and think: "I had a feeling this might happen....

July 3, 2010 3 Days Before…

I remember having this small epiphany about my faith in God sometime before you died, but only recently did I discover I had articulated it to you just three days before your tragic death. It seems foreboding and hopeful at once:In an email to you July 3, 2010:"I keep...

Passengers

One of, if not the hardest thing about losing a spouse is you lose the person who is usually your support during difficult times.  Now, in the darkest time of your life- you find yourself, alone. There are many special and cherished relationships, but they are...

God and with God

I'm not sure at all what to make of this, but when someone this close to you dies, God sort of disappears and the person who died takes his place for a while.  What do I mean by this?  Well, suddenly if it is true, heaven becomes less abstract and mushy- not...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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