In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Pragmatic Thinking

Since your death, I've had these moments that seem like totally clear thinking- frighteningly pragmatic and emotionless though- so I know they are not. Actually they are just a way I think I'm trying to survive.But I stop and think: "I had a feeling this might happen....

The Story

The Story by Brandi Carlile- a beautiful song we listened to often that I came across on Dan's iPhone/iPod tonight.  I started to listen to it while Audrey was still awake which wasn't a good idea...What a beautiful song- I will miss listening to this with you...

The Only Ghost

The pain bites again today.I received the sketch done to scale of three versions of your headstone via email.  Even in sketch format on my computer screen, it was terrifying.I thought last week I'd taken a turn.  And I had.  But then with grief, you...

Photographs

You look flatter, less life-like and 3D lately in the photographs I have everywhere around the apartment.  I pick them up and stare closely because I'm surprised by this recent change. You are a photograph. A friend suggests to me the other day, "Maybe heaven or...

Trap Door

These past few days it's like I've fallen into a trap door on this stage where I get up every day and act the role of the widow. It's caught me off guard.But suddenly it's as if all of the supposed "strength" I've been mustering for eight months to get through each...

How Can I Honor You?

99% of me wants to curl up in bed and die. My grief counselor tells me that's not reflective of suicidal thoughts- just normal grief and a natural desire to be reunited with you.But there's 1% that knows, at least on a purely intellectual level, that I am still alive-...

Inbox

I did a very silly thing just now. Every few days I go into your email account just to make sure there's nothing important. And this time I had to write someone from your account- of course explaining that it was me writing- not you.And then I cc'd myself on the...

Remember That?

My past is not shared with anyone anymore.That's why the memories are so painful.  Yes, I have memories- and I write them all down in another private journal- all of the funny stories, hidden jokes, and just random moments we shared alone together.   I write...

Agnosia

This writing lately is like taking something out of a hot oven with no potholders.  If I leave it in, it will burn, but while I take it out, I get burned.  So, I do it as quickly as possible and cry out as it drops onto the table.Lately there is the feeling...

Reservoir

I have a reservoirof love from youthat willsurelylast my life.deep and holywater thatwill take meto your side.

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner