In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Can’t Help But Wonder

Last Father's Day- I made waffles in our waffle maker with whipped cream and heart shaped strawberries.  I tried to make your coffee really good grinding fresh beans and using the French press- I think I've gotten much better at it since you died. This must be...

Family Photograph

Yesterday I took Audrey to a photography studio to get her picture taken.  I figured she's newly two still and I didn't have any great photos.  I thought it would be fun, and I thought I would feel strong- a grieving mother who takes her child for photos....

Your Birthday

Your birthday was incapacitating. In the morning I tried to do my normal routine- getting Audrey fed, dressed, cleaning up the kitchen.  I opened up the fridge and a plate with leftovers fell out, shattering everywhere.  I sat on the floor among the shards...

Knowing

"Maya Yamb.  Appa Cello.  Maya Yamb Pee ano" This is what I hear Audrey mumbling as she's supposed to be napping right now.  I never got to tell you Dan- remember how she'd been saying "Maya Maya" for months and we didn't know what she was saying?...

You changed us…

"Dan was the most genuine, humble, and kind person I have ever met.  I first met him at church (St. John’s KUMC) and right away sensed the amount of humility he had, despite all the talent God has given him.  He never cared for being “cool” and didn’t have a...

You Wanted

You wanted me to go back to work full-time so we wouldn't have to pay for health insurance and you could pursue music more freely.  I will go back to work. You wanted to switch health insurance plans so that we could pay less.  We will pay less.You didn't...

Groaning

The two happiest times in my life, besides the early days when we first met, were the year of our engagement, and the year I was pregnant with Audrey.Those two years were filled with expectation and planning for the arrival of something so precious and so monumental....

Friday

Very quiet Friday as the weekend fun begins for others.I am at such a loss today...finding myself so alone- and left to try to go on with some kind of life without you Dan. Today it's incapacitating. Ran an errand in the morning with a friend and am certainly done for...

Fighting

In the Korean drama we watched this past winter- the family would always say this word with a Korean accent, "Figh ting!" as an encouragement to each other.   In the end, the grandfather (haraboji) died, or so it seemed- after a long illness.  But actually...

Pizza

Audrey loves pizza- it was one of her first words. And I was all into making my own whole wheat dough this past winter and my own little pizzas. Part of my pursuit of holy domesticity. Really a ridiculous one I mostly failed at. Someone asked me what kind of food they...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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