In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Love Letter

It's funny how today I am finding so much love from you- is this your gift to me on our anniversary?Another beautiful present you gave me a number of years ago- you sang a song- and made this little booklet/collage- inside was 1 Cor 13- typed up- around it were...

Gearing Up

Another package has arrived for me. I remember when packages were fun to receive. This one is from Switzerland and contains your wedding ring, wallet, and maybe your iphone Dan. I am preparing as best as I can to open it- it sits beside me now on the bed. A good...

First Valentine’s Day

For our first Valentine's Day you made me a book.  It's in a large spiral with a sturdy front and back.  You usually used a lot office supplies from the temp jobs you had back then to make me these.  So it has that signature quality of office supplies,...

Gift

Zeitgeber...it literally means "time-giver" in German and refers to the environmental cues like light and darkness that regulate our clocks.  Your loss had obstructed all of these cues- they now seem minuscule like they're all taking place in a model world like...

The Grit Without the Glue

Why would the missing be less when the person has been gone longer?  The only truth I find to that is that you aren't as used to the person being there anymore so their physical absence might not be as acutely felt as the first of everything.  But still-...

Receive

I haven't had a chance to write.  Sometimes because it's too painful and feels absolutely fruitless.  Sometimes because I live like a fugitive, trying to keep us busy because 1) I feel guilty that this is Audrey's life so I try to take her to fun places,...

One Death

I have read on some grieving site or pamphlet that the lost loved one only dies one time- one death, but you, the survivor, relive their death and imagine their final moments over and over again. I have also read that near drowning survivors report the last few...

Live.

The other day I google your nickname.  I hadn't done this before.  If I google your name all I see are notices of your death as "Regina Spektor's cellist."  But I was surprised by some of the things that came up with your nickname.  Reviews at...

Powerless

All of my earlier more pragmatic thoughts aside, there is a certain primal rage a mother feels to see something so precious taken from her child- to know an invisible but potent pain has been placed upon her at such an early age.  Who is there to blame?  Who...

Maybe Tomorrow

Well, I couldn't do it. Couldn't open up the package, and my friend and I decided I wasn't ready. A wedding ring, wallet, and phone- all very personal items- the most personal, and the reason they came separately, is because you had them on you when you went to take...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner