In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

No Less Sad

How is it that today I can be wearing jeans with paint spots on them, not from the room I painted in our new home- but from three homes ago- our last apartment in Brooklyn- the bedroom that was painted grey like the rest of the apartment, but I painted an ocean blue....

Resign

Resignation.  This is the word that plods in my head the past three or four days as I try to help Audrey recover from fever and her first ear infection, and as we head down to the beach with my parents for a few nights.  I am anxious and uneasy because she...

Disassemble

Yesterday I took apart Audrey's crib and put together her new "big girl bed."  I'd bought it at IKEA and the boxes had been sitting in the hallway for a few weeks.  I was waiting until the new bedding I'd so carefully selected came in the mail.  I was...

Welcome Home

A short post because I'm tired after doing my freelance work.  It is taking me so much longer now because I just can't seem to focus on smaller things in life.  I want to hurry up and finish so that I can think about you and this...situation... I find myself...

The Meaning of Life

The other night Audrey asked me for a picture of her appa to keep in her crib at bedtime- "to protect her."  Not sure where she even learned that concept.Today we walked along the river in the afternoon just to get some fresh air.  I got a tea at Whole...

A Gift

Today has been a wonderful day because of a precious gift I found.  It surprises me how uplifted I feel.One thing I had mourned was that I didn't have any recordings of Dan speaking in Korean- why would I?  But I loved the sound of his voice and how he would...

The Things I Tell Myself

Sometimes I tell myself things- I try to comfort myself.Everyone dies.  Dan would have died anyway.  Most of my friends will experience the loss of their spouse- just not for a long time.Dan lived his dream the last year of his life.  He traveled the...

Beautiful and Vital

Today at counseling, the counselor tells me the loss of a spouse- "especially at your age" is the worst kind of grief - according to the books- worse than the loss of a child even- because the relationship has so much shaped who you are- you lose so much of yourself...

Here are My Random Thoughts

for lack of better title.I hate how "the holidays" are a dreadful thing now.  For most people that means it's time for family and friends a break from their jobs...people are in a good mood...for me now it's this foreboding thing that others who have suffered...

Oh My Love

I remember thinking that this John Lennon song was so pretty when I heard it in high school on the Imagine album I think...I wanted to find a love like that. And I did and the words were appropriate then. But I found this song playing in my head the past few days- for...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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