In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

This I Cannot Reconcile

The very same thing that brings me joy...Audrey...is the very same thing that prevents me from even coming close to reconciling your early, sudden death.I look at old videos of her right after you died and see the dramatic difference.  I recall how she was just...

Email October 2008

I sent this email to Dan right after Audrey was born. Our Brooklyn apartment got bed bugs- we moved in with my parents in their small house and left everything we owned basically behind. Dan was working really long hours and would come home at midnight. I'd wait for...

Father’s Day 2013

This is the third time.  It is brutal.I haven't felt it helpful or complex enough to say, "It's not fair; it's just not fair," in the past three years.  But on this day, I think those words a lot. Unless your young child has lost a parent, you cannot imagine...

Brave Quest

Perhaps my focus on where Dan is now post-earth and the stuff of Revelation isn't a brave and admirable quest for Truth, but a cowardly avoidance of the only thing I do know- where he is NOT.  Here.  Something for an obsessive personality like mine to obsess...

Confetti Leftover

"When a loved one has been laid to rest in a cemetery the final stage of closure involves the placement of a tombstone or grave marker identifying their grave.  It is here that we are given one final occasion to communicate to the world the significance of our...

Beauty

This morning light snow was falling off the awning of the walkway to the ferry.  I stood on the long walkway, watching it fall in long chunks and drop somehow gracefully to the ground.  Quickly they fell, but slow enough that I could see them drifting...

Friday Night

Quiet.The Friday before Labor Day Weekend.  It must be an exciting weekend for those in the world.  They must have plans and feel the relief of an extra day off from work.  Maybe they'll travel or see friends...try to make the most out of this last...

Off the Hook

I am forced to move forward.  My landlord is still selling our place and I've been throwing myself into searching to either buy or rent.  Our lease ends in less than three months.  I don't think I've ever moved anywhere without you there or helping....

Googled

Realized when I go to the Google sign on Dan's iphone it lists the history of all of the things he looked up with his voice search that was so cute/funny to see him do. You can tell a lot about a person by what they've googled in the month before they died...what they...

Three

When Dan was on tour or working his 9-5 job in between touring, it was a long day with just Audrey and me.  Any stay-at-home mom knows what I'm talking about.  I am pretty sure it's much easier in many ways to go to work. But Audrey and I kept busy-...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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