In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Do It Again Tomorrow

I am continually in awe of how time keeps progressing before my eyes like one of those time-lapse videos.  I wonder to myself often if something in your death changed the very substance of time itself for only me. Even so the loss- still jarring and...

Iceberg

I am an iceberg.  Have I used this metaphor before?Not because I'm cold but because my pain and experience appears small, but those who pass by don't venture too close or see the massive rock right below the surface.  Maybe this is why I hate when check out...

Googled

Realized when I go to the Google sign on Dan's iphone it lists the history of all of the things he looked up with his voice search that was so cute/funny to see him do. You can tell a lot about a person by what they've googled in the month before they died...what they...

Equinox

In the first year, I learned and knew you were dead.In the second, I feel it and live it.In the first, I cried and keened and wailed.In the second, I weep.In the first year, I was clutching to the idea that Audrey could remember you, and terrified that I would...

Face Wash and a Steamer

Christy came over and bravely took her own toddler and Audrey out for a long walk in a big red wagon. She also brought me her fairly new floor steamer- purchased based on a late-night infomercial.  I was instructed by her how to use it and to have fun.  "Are...

Insipid

This is the word running through my head all day today.I try so hard to make meal time fun for Audrey and I- the special family time I always wanted it to be when I dreamed of a family of four or five at a large wooden farmhouse table and mismatched chairs....

Live.

The other day I google your nickname.  I hadn't done this before.  If I google your name all I see are notices of your death as "Regina Spektor's cellist."  But I was surprised by some of the things that came up with your nickname.  Reviews at...

Beauty

I am looking for beauty everywhere. These are the discarded old petals off our flowers on the balcony.Thought I might just post findings like this from time to time.  I am stuck and need to change things up.

Father’s Day

Audrey and you made this last year on Father's Day in the nursery at church.  I remember just chatting with other moms while you helped her assemble it.  I remember another mom saying that you should volunteer in the nursery because they needed people and...

The Things You Worried About

Ever since having Audrey, you became much more of a worrier. I was always amazed at how quickly your mind traveled to every possible thing or situation that could harm her. If we had a helium balloon from Trader Joe's or a party and it started to lose helium, you...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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