In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Smile

Dear Dan,I miss you.  I keep thinking you've missed a lot, but it's not too late.  You can still catch up and Audrey's just on the verge of doing a ton of cute stuff- her birthday is coming up.  It's not too late to be there.  We're going to have...

Learning

Audrey didn't nap at all today.  For the second time in two weeks, I found her standing in her crib completely naked holding a poopy diaper.  She's definitely ready to use the potty- and had been - but has completely regressed since you died.  So- it...

Phantomness

There's a lull in our busyness in the past few days and I'm planning on visiting the cemetery.  The pain is raw again.  New and fresh.  When will this ever go away?  People with good intentions sometimes tell me it should be getting better by...

Mythical and Imaginary

It has been happening since the day I received the phone call. I've been losing you. First you became this mythical, saintly Dan- created by the kind words of those who loved you closely and those who hadn't seen you in many, many years. I wanted you back- the Dan who...

8

I always had an affinity for the number eight.  When I was two or three in dance classes in a young teacher's garage I believe- she would often have us guess a number and in that way auction off her old jewelry.  The day I guessed the number eight, I won and...

A Bird and a Dog

The weekend we "fell in love"- july 17-1999-our third time meeting- we were driving down to Maryland for a youth rally I had been asked to play at. And in the car, I quizzed you with this little quiz that my friend, who was studying psychology, had recently asked me....

Alone

Inherit to grief is a loneliness and isolation.  Each grief is it's own and so the grief one widow feels is completely different than another- even though they grieve the same kind of loss.  The grief I have is different than the grief a family member or...

Ticklish

You were very ticklish.And having you away for a month at a time was so hard on our marriage- and on both of us. I started to resent you while you were gone, and when you came back, it was a tough adjustment for all of us. So, I came up with an idea that I thought...

Two

I realize today it is three months since I've seen Daniel in person.  He left here on Tuesday, June 29th.  This is way too long...and it is only three months. It feels like the questions never end and the grief is so layered and complex, but then I realized...

Husband and Wife

There are certain things unique to the relationship between a man and a woman- a husband and wife- that are therefore unique to the grief process one goes through as opposed to other kinds of losses.  These have to do with the way in which a male and female...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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