In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Progress

I have taken off my wedding ring- not permanently because I don't wish for my wearing or not wearing of the ring to mean "too much." I am in no way "better."  I am in no way "available."   It's a lovely piece of jewelry lovingly chosen by you that I have...

Maine

The rugged, rocky landscape of Maine suits my grief, but then it hits me that this is really the first trip I've taken alone with Audrey.  And that this is how it will be.For the most part I'm busy during the day caring for Audrey while we're here- we visit a...

Dust

This past week, on Wednesday- I cleaned our bedroom for the first time since you died.  The notion of vacuuming up your skin cells and hair had been too much for me.  But it was time.  I choked on the visible grey dust as I cleaned. I cleaned it well...

I See You

...in my mind, I see you. When Audrey and I sit outside on the bench, I keep looking towards the street- and I sit and I see you walking towards us. You're always wearing your red St. John's t-shirt- the one that's still in our hamper right now- and you're always...

Divine Orchestration

In the late 1980's, I was one of those girls who loved the New Kids on the Block.  I know, I'm ashamed.  But it was true.  My room was plastered with posters of them.  My favorite was Joey McIntyre, otherwise known as Joey Joe.  On my list of...

You

Besides the fact that I'm busier- looking into preschools for Audrey and attempting to return to my freelance job, I tell the counselor today that the words are coming less because what I feel now I cannot articulate at all in language.  The language has helped...

Home

Yesterday morning I was putting away the homemade yellow play dough with black sparkles we'd just made and played with when I saw the email that your tissue sample had arrived safely at the lab in the US. All of the people who had played a role were incredibly happy....

Incarnation

I wear your T-shirts and soccer jerseys.I sing the songs you used to sing to Audrey now.I call her "beptz," the name that you had for her since before she was born. I dance the way you danced- and make your facial expressions when I think of them. When I hear the bus...

Foretaste

It seems now, like all of my tears each time we said goodbye and you left to tour for a few weeks-were just a foretaste of what was to come.You and I have been looking at life's events together for so long, it is so strange to go through this one- without you.  I...

Friday Night

Quiet.The Friday before Labor Day Weekend.  It must be an exciting weekend for those in the world.  They must have plans and feel the relief of an extra day off from work.  Maybe they'll travel or see friends...try to make the most out of this last...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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