In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Two

How do you measure two years?Two years of saying goodbye.Of wanting to wake up from a bad dream.Of hovering somewhere just outside of my physical body- watching all this.Two years.  A few changed light bulbs.  A couple of bottles of shampoo.   Lots of...

My Dear Audrey

Dear Audrey,You are starting to grieve for your father in a new way.  One night out of nowhere you said at the dinner table, "Appa twaveled a yot."  "Yes, he did," I said after having you repeat it a few times so that I could understand you.  It must've...

Erasing and Creating

The process of paperwork that follows a death is a painful erasing.  I am told to erase you from my bank account, insurance, car title, 401K.  Your passport was received by me with "expired" stamped over it and holes punched through it along with the...

Progress

I have taken off my wedding ring- not permanently because I don't wish for my wearing or not wearing of the ring to mean "too much." I am in no way "better."  I am in no way "available."   It's a lovely piece of jewelry lovingly chosen by you that I have...

Eleven Month Epiphany

It's not that time heals.  It simply frays the connection.The would've's and should've's that are constantly beside you in that parallel life in the beginning and for some time, become only guesses- might haves but no one's sure.  Nothing's for certain....

Steeping

A part of me is still in denial- I realize.Last night I decided the hell with it and got out a new dental floss- and left the old one in the medicine cabinet- I just can't bear to get to the end of that string. I'd told myself I'd leave your clothes and computer -...

July 3, 2010 3 Days Before…

I remember having this small epiphany about my faith in God sometime before you died, but only recently did I discover I had articulated it to you just three days before your tragic death. It seems foreboding and hopeful at once:In an email to you July 3, 2010:"I keep...

Tuesday Morning

I feel OK.  When I feel OK it is because I feel proud I am doing this, but also because I've forgotten how very permanent your absence is for a little while.  I don't know how long it will take for that to sink in.  I will never see you again. Every...

The Sad Stage

I began a new ritual a few weeks ago.  On Friday nights both Audrey and I get to take a bubble bath.  We take them separately but we both use the California Baby "Overtired and Cranky" bubbles. I take a glass of wine with me to mine.  So grateful for...

You and Me

Hey you-I don't know how to let you go.Love,me

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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