In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Eleven Month Epiphany

It's not that time heals.  It simply frays the connection.The would've's and should've's that are constantly beside you in that parallel life in the beginning and for some time, become only guesses- might haves but no one's sure.  Nothing's for certain....

The End of Today

I realize now that the day you were to return home is ended, and you are not home. Does this mean that I will live a lifetime of would've, should've, could'ves? It seems that way. Another widow tells me that it will take the full year for it to sink into every...

Receive

I haven't had a chance to write.  Sometimes because it's too painful and feels absolutely fruitless.  Sometimes because I live like a fugitive, trying to keep us busy because 1) I feel guilty that this is Audrey's life so I try to take her to fun places,...

Regarding Audrey

Again two nights ago Audrey mentioned randomly, while on the potty actually, "Sometimes I remember appa and sometimes, I don't." I feel sad resignation at this disgustingly organic, inevitable truth. I asked her if she wanted to look at some of your clothes and she...

Goodbye

How strange to fall in love with someone, get married, live together, have a child together, and speak to each other every day for eleven years- and not get to say goodbye.  Not even see you later...it was great having you in my life.  Nothing.

Knowing

"Maya Yamb.  Appa Cello.  Maya Yamb Pee ano" This is what I hear Audrey mumbling as she's supposed to be napping right now.  I never got to tell you Dan- remember how she'd been saying "Maya Maya" for months and we didn't know what she was saying?...

Closure

Words haven't been writing themselves throughout my day lately.  The pain is still there, bereft of insights, epiphanies, themes.  The grief, I think today, has gone stale.  I create my own three stages of grief: fresh, stale, and rotten.  The key,...

Estelle

That was the name you liked for a girl for many years while I knew you, but once I was pregnant, I don't think you really suggested it much anymore. I saw it as an old lady name, but you said it reminded you of pastel- so it sounded creative and colorful. We went to...

For the Most Part

It was an uplifting weekend for the most part.  We had a couple of invitations for Saturday for a change, and that was nice.   We got to get together with someone I know through this blog- a lovely woman and a friend- in the city where we walked around St....

Another Widow

It's strange because until now, I never realized how many widows and widowers there were in the world. All the time- having gone through what I'm going through now, and still breathing.It remind me a lot of miscarriage. It's not something people talk of at all, but if...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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