In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Amputation

I've read many times now that losing someone like this is not something you recover from or God forbid, "Get over." How could you? This is not a trial in life that you pass through and look back on. A loss is quite different from a trial. It's not just something you...

Spiral

It just goes on and on- and this is surprising.  How I have to keep doing this...and "getting this," though I still feel utterly disoriented and confused babbling to myself often, "I don't understand this."  Still- I function and listen to myself talking of...

Bedtime Stories

Audrey's really into storytelling right now- so I often tell her stories about you and I when we were little or before she was born.  At night in her crib she usually asks me, "mommy, make up a new song!" and I make up something about our day and sing it to...

Running Out

Time is measured now by what is running out...the toothpaste we shared, the dental floss, the toilet paper and paper towels you picked up before you left, Audrey's baby shampoo.Unusual hour glasses.

Dream

"How can real life seem more like a dream than any dreams?  What is reality?  Life?  Death?  Who can tell?  A whirling head, a furiously beating heart, unseeing eyes, unsteady legs must somehow walk on into the dream, to be enveloped by it, to...

Miss You

How handsome you are my lover, Oh, how charming! Song of Songs 1.16

Baptism and Wisdom Teeth

The night I was baptized for the second time- as an adult in a pool, I came home to my parent's house where I was living at the time- and I remember there was a phone message from a friend with whom I'd been having some problems. It normally would have brought up a...

Taking Care of You

I told you not to crack your knuckles- your joints would be bad when you got older and you wouldn't be able to play cello or piano.  "Stop cracking your knuckles!" I'd say.I told you to wear ear plugs when you played with a full band in small venues like Arlene's...

Perihelion

Another paradox, just as I was feeling so tired of living in survival mode all of the time- I am sentencing myself to it for the next month or so.  I stock up on paper plates and clean the apartment one more time because I have a feeling the next month or so is...

Forward…then Backward

It's forward and then backward.Numbness and then rawness.Putting it away because it is too fierce.  Putting it down.  Keeping busy.  Then late at night in a quiet room- picking it back up again.  Trying to comprehend.We take the 2 mylar heart...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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