In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Email December 2009

hey you,i really miss you.  i'm in malmo sweden, and it's still very cold here.  dark, too.  haven't seen the sun in a while.how are you and miss a?  i really really miss you guys, and can't wait till i get back to hug and kiss and hold you....

Mythical and Imaginary

It has been happening since the day I received the phone call. I've been losing you. First you became this mythical, saintly Dan- created by the kind words of those who loved you closely and those who hadn't seen you in many, many years. I wanted you back- the Dan who...

Cool Places

Seems since I first met you- you were taking me to cool places I never would've gone otherwise. These are just a few that come to the top of my head- I know there were so many more cool things we did. I'd usually feel out of place and not know what to wear- so I'd...

I Do Not Know

Someone I barely know but had a lengthy conversation with the other day about grief and loss, told me that she believes admitting we don't know the answers is the bravest and must humble thing we can do in the face of this.  I had been telling her that, to me, to...

What I Did for You

Reading a lot of the memorials pages sent to me for Audrey's book- I am overwhelmed with the goodness of the man I married. In fact, I cannot believe he chose me. And then a lot of my flaws come back to me and how I hunger and yearn for just one more chance to see him...

Wedding Dress

On Sunday, while my parents take Audrey to the park, I wander around their home- where we lived together once when Audrey was first born...and look for remnants of our life.  I find a few mix tapes that you made for me up in my old closet.  You designed the...

Objective Reality

Have you ever seen yourself in one of those video screens hanging in a drugstore or other retail store?  You look up and see a woman walking into the store.  You're surprised.  It's you.  We don't see ourselves from that perspective or angle very...

New Normal

When the shock wears off, you're left with a life that doesn't fit anymore.  It appears the same- but is not.  People think you're the same, but you're not.  It is even more painful to be back here, but have you missing Dan.  To leave behind the...

So Long

Before this happened, I didn't feel we'd been together that long. I was thinking, when we're married 25 years, 40 years- we'll have been together a long time.Since this happened, 11 years feels like a lifetime...my entire adult life- every memory, every experience has...

Home

Yesterday morning I was putting away the homemade yellow play dough with black sparkles we'd just made and played with when I saw the email that your tissue sample had arrived safely at the lab in the US. All of the people who had played a role were incredibly happy....

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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