In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Doppelganger

Today I had a really bad day - unrelated to the grief mostly- which I actually take as a sign of progress.  It's the first time I've thought, "Today is a bad day," since you died...because every day and each moment has been concentrated wretchedness....

Graduated

Depending what I believe about an after-life and where you are now- there are two very different Daniels in my mind.  Sometimes I try to figure out if I sense one more than the other - and hope that might give me some clue as to which one you are now. The first,...

Trying to Make it Stay

There is something in the human spirit- and I'm not sure what it is yet- knowledge of some truth about an end to all of this that will see justice and things made right, or maybe it's just survival of the fittest- evolution's way of keeping us alive even when we feel...

Still Grieving

I'm starting to get that a lot- from a lot of well-meaning people.  It's not that they're grieving with me anymore; it's that they're still grieving.  As if it's been such a long, long time, and though life is going on as usual- hey, they still remember...

To the Bottom

The thoughts and pain are really pooling around me now so I will try to dump them out in no particular order.  Today it's raining here and with Audrey still running a fever and definitely not herself, we have just been hanging around the house all day.  I...

On Remarriage

I am not interested.It's one of the paradoxes of grief that you can't imagine being alone the rest of your life, but you also can not imagine being with anyone else.How do you go from waiting for your soulmate patiently- swearing faithfulness, fighting through the...

Eleven

One more month.I last saw you on June 29th, 2010.   I miss you so much.Bye, I said.  See you in a few weeks.  I'm not gonna cry this time.Then you closed the door and I cried.And that was just a foretaste.

Innocence Lost

It's a rainy Sunday- quieter than last night even.  My parents have taken Audrey outside for a bit and I'm hoping they're not caught in the rain.  Even though I should take advantage of the time to "get stuff done," I feel kind of immobilized by all of the...

Ten Years

On September 11, 2001...I opened my eyes half asleep to see the Twin Towers on my left...I was riding the bus into Port Authority and seeing them was my signal that I was almost there.  At Port Authority, I looked at the digital clock as I walked briskly in the...

Sensations

The sound of the voice uttering the most hope-void words I'd ever heard, "Dan is dead."  My wet bathing suit soaking through the skirt I had thrown over it when we came inside.  Hard knocking on my neighbors door below.  Pacing.  The look on...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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