In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

More of the Same

These writings feel more disjointed.  There are less themes.  More of the same.When I hear your old bus put on the brakes outside our building, I barely notice it anymore.  I can't even conjure up the excitement I used to feel knowing you'd be on that...

Irrevocable

Just like that.  Irrevocable.One day.  One swim.  One phone call.We are both buried and gone from this world.I miss you tonight Hae Y.  I kiss your picture on the table goodnight in the dark living room.  This picture has you, me, and Audrey...

Beautiful and Vital

Today at counseling, the counselor tells me the loss of a spouse- "especially at your age" is the worst kind of grief - according to the books- worse than the loss of a child even- because the relationship has so much shaped who you are- you lose so much of yourself...

This Morning

I hear that the air conditioning has just gone on. I'd forgotten to shut it off when I opened all the windows this morning, but I am just too drained to get up and turn it off. OK- apparently I'm cheaper than I am drained and dramatic because I just got up and shut it...

The Things People Do For Me

Usually after someone hands me some food and takes my daughter to play- I come in and cry- because I can finally do so without Audrey here, but also because I am truly overwhelmed by God's love to me through people. It is humbling.So, I though I'd think about some of...

Seeing Me

Just reread your email that I had pasted below.Thank you Dan for seeing in me the best...and the worst- but still seeing the best after 11 years.I used to always quote Dostoevsky to you when he said, "To love is to see someone how God intended them to be." And I think...

9 Months

Maybe that's why the past couple of days have felt so heavy and full of rage.Nine months.  The time it takes to bring a baby to full term- I am reminded by another young widow. I wish people wouldn't sound so dismal about their birthday just because it means...

March 1

Spring comes quickly.I find myself unprepared.January and February were like hiding places.Pathetic fallacy of bare branches and short days.  Staying inside. Snow brought silence and softness.   I felt safe when I woke up to find it snowing.Now rolling in...

Fighting

In the Korean drama we watched this past winter- the family would always say this word with a Korean accent, "Figh ting!" as an encouragement to each other.   In the end, the grandfather (haraboji) died, or so it seemed- after a long illness.  But actually...

Three More Chinese Fortunes

I mentioned the one about moving to a great new home within the year.In Dan's older wallets- I just found the photo inserts in his "memoranda" - a little box I kept for each of us with special things- there are 3 more.In one of the inserts from before we were married:...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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