In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Insipid

This is the word running through my head all day today.I try so hard to make meal time fun for Audrey and I- the special family time I always wanted it to be when I dreamed of a family of four or five at a large wooden farmhouse table and mismatched chairs....

Ungraspable

The other night, the grief is hitting me.  Now that I have left the safety of the bubble- there is the contrast- the "hitting you," and it crushes.  That is why, I think- it is so hard to leave behind the safety of that incessant awareness and pain....

Korean Geese

When my Korean friends married, I noticed they were gifted the traditional Korean geese, and I was hoping to one day get those. And then your mom gave me the cutest set 2 days before our wedding. It is small, and the geese sit together in a little red pouch. My female...

Our Dresser

On the top of our dresser are reminders of our union.  The unity candle from our wedding stands up there.  I've moved it from apartment to apartment, place to place, four or five times since we married.  I've dusted it and the little silver stand it...

Stuck

I'm back in the anger phase, but I'd hardly call them phases.  It's just that now I feel angry again.When I feel most angry, it usually has to do with the fact that Audrey has no father now. why why why why why why why.Today I watched her class and another at the...

Forward

The young widows say, you don't move on, but you try to move forward.  I like this.  There is no moving on. The memorial, I decided, was not particularly hard.  I had processed beforehand.  I had planned things of beauty to honor you with others....

Saturated

Thursday morning.Woke up after a very intense estrangement dream in which I was demanding Dan choose his career or me. Telling him that he simply could not have both.  There was a longing and aching that stayed with me after waking.  It was hard to get up. A...

Labor Day

The widow club on Facebook posed the question today, "What are you doing on Labor Day?"  One woman said she and her son went to the grave because her husband had been such a hard worker.  That's nice.  I'm feeling the urge to go soon- it will be another...

You

Today is a really rough day. Something is sinking in in a deeper way and it absolutely tears me apart. I sit in bed just staring always at a few things of yours- I look at your cello- in the corner where you left it- and can't believe you won't play it again? I look...

Maddening

Today should have been exciting and good.  Audrey's preschool class had a playgroup at someone's house.  It was our first time meeting the other little children that will be in her class.  Instead, it was quite terrible really.I guess I will soon become...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner