In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

What Would We Do Without You?

Dear Audrey,"What woooould we dooo without you!"  you say this as I'm getting you out of the car tonight- we went to church and then for an impromptu visit at grandma and grandpa's for lunch, the park, and dinner.  I guess and ask you who told you that and...

Logistics of an After World

The whole new heavens and new earth has become increasingly important to me again lately.  It was in the beginning when I obsessed over whether or not Dan was alright.  Then the counselor says, I turned to myself and my own personal sorrow because of his...

January

It is January.It is late.On these long, sullenwinter days,I deeply miss yourcoming home.I am diligent in this,the waking, sleeping, and eating.In washing dishes and crumbs off countertops, pulling the trash can down to the curb on Mondays.Nightly aloneafter she...

Inhibitory Control

Living in grief, if it is anything, is sheer exhaustion. It is doing something- living- that every cell in your body screams against.  Not because you are suicidal, but just because you do not feel alive.   It is something you must convince yourself to do on...

Eleven Years

Today a new and terrible thought occurred to me- seems that always happens in this "predicament."  I realized that in just nine years, Audrey will have known me longer than you did.  And that if we both live to when we're "supposed to," she may know me for...

You Loved Me Well

We both sang each other songs at our wedding during the reception.  Mine was called, "Thank You for Loving Me." Verse 1They say this day goes by in a hazego from one thing and then to the next.And I'm kind of afraidif I'm too overwhelmedthink of all the good...

Music

Sorting through our CD collection tonight- had ordered boxes and sleeves so I could get rid of the plastic cases. Going through the soundtrack of our life together is difficult. There are many signed CD's- one from one of our favorite vocalists- especially during our...

Still Waiting to Wake Up

Audrey's trying to fall asleep for her nap.  I hear her saying over and over again: "Mo mee  Dad dy, Au dey!" Over and over again.Yesterday a new friend spontaneously asked us to run to the mall to return a few things so we went to Riverside - it's a nicer...

I Keen Quietly

And the grief is awoken again.I had a productive afternoon, but then decided to start working on one of what I call "memorial projects."  I want to collect every word you said about Audrey that I have in writing- either in emails, FB picture comments, letters you...

Bogan and Dickinson

It's just horrible getting home from an event and not having anyone to talk to about it.  Audrey and I went to a concert of one of her favorite singers tonight.  She danced, sang along, and got her photo taken with Kimmy Schwimmy.   I was somewhat...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner