People ask me if I’m eating. My Korean mother ‘in law tells me to eat a lot- more adamantly than usual.
My clothes have become incredibly loose on me and when I set my laptop on my lap while laying down, it hurts my ribs.
But eating can be an enjoyable thing and I don’t feel like enjoying anything at all yet. (well, except maybe a few laughs with Audrey- that I do enjoy thoroughly though with a bittersweet smile on my face that you’re missing it). Mostly, I don’t feel hungry- and there is very little food that is appealing to me. I think my stomach just shrunk the first ten days after the call when I absolutely couldn’t eat at all, and so now I’m full after a few bites or a half of a sandwich at the most. So, yes, I’m eating- not a ton and not enjoying it. I put food in my mouth- I eat to survive- I eat for Audrey- so I have the strength to take care of her and hopefully live a healthy life and stay with her for as long as I can.
But it seems like the question I get asked most often is “Are you sleeping?”
Well, yes, yes I am. Grieving is the most physically exhausting/draining thing I’ve ever done, so I’m actually tired all the time. I try to nap during Audrey’s nap, but I usually end up doing this, writing, instead. But by 10 pm each night, I am fading fast.
I stay awake though, until almost midnight just to make sure I’m good and tired. My goal is that I’ll be asleep within a few moments of my head hitting the pillow-which has never been like me in the past. It works pretty well. I put my head down, pull the quilt up over my head all the way, pray silently for another dream or whisper from him, and then I reach for his wedding ring around my neck and hold onto it as I try to let the sleep take me.