Moving Forward

by | Aug 9, 2010 | 0 comments

This post is not as hopeful as the title suggests.

It’s just that everything I do- especially the small and everyday- force it upon me- remind me that time is progressing- further and further away from your life here on earth.
Today I gave my parents some library books that are due to return- we had them when you were here and you read all of to Audrey. I say goodbye to the books: Once Upon a Potty, Trains, Maisy Makes Gingerbread- and I say goodbye to you.
Then there is all of the food that I bought while you were alive. I bought Audrey that tub of organic animal crackers from Trader Joe’s on July 4th- 2 days before your death. So you were still alive- I hate to see her finish it- but there’s just a thin layer now on the bottom.
I don’t want to make any big changes in the apartment- move anything around. Audrey’s alphabet puzzle play mat has started peeling leaving her with red flakes on her feet and hands sometimes- but I can’t imagine getting rid of it because that’s how our place has looked while we lived here together.
I don’t want to move anything on the refrigerator, or in A’s room- even though she rarely gets changed on her changing table anymore- I just can’t move the changing pad off the dresser- you changed her there- every morning- you say your little song: “Daddy’s gonna change your diaper – diaper, diaper, diaper…”
Normally, I am so good at getting rid of clutter and moving on- not sentimental at all when it comes to that stuff. But back then- when things were “normal,” I had you with me- you were always moving on with me. Now every change- big or little- throwing out a sponge you used in the kitchen- getting A. a booster chair instead of the high chair- takes us further from you. I don’t want to leave you there Dan- in the past. I don’t want to- but time is unstoppable- it is dragging me on- kicking and screaming- it drags me on.

JAC

August 9, 2010
v

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

You May Also Like…

December 17, 2014- A New Blog

It has been almost a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog.  In my mind, this blog was complete.  And yet, there was a lack of finality to it.  Grief has no finality, though it does have evolution and change, while this blog does have finality simply because...

Speed of Light

On the eve of your death I am watching town fireworks the day after the fourth of July. I am overwhelmed by the crowd of families around us on blankets with glo-sticks and cotton candy as we wait for darkness in the still, hot, summer air.  There is a Korean...

Father’s Day 2013

Father’s Day 2013

This is the third time.  It is brutal.I haven't felt it helpful or complex enough to say, "It's not fair; it's just not fair," in the past three years.  But on this day, I think those words a lot. Unless your young child has lost a parent, you cannot imagine...