In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Friday Morning

Audrey's had a runny nose since a couple of days after her flu shot and was running a high fever last night. I missed your presence so much caring for her. She was up just once at 2:30 am. This morning we had no plans.   I decided we'd just go to Barnes and...

You are Always Here

On the plane ride home from Maine, after take-off, amidst the familiar sounds of soda cans opening and air blowing out of those tiny nozzles overhead, I flip both of our little televisions to a soccer channel in Spanish even though we don't have ear phones.  At...

In Your Coat

I can still feel my feet on your tailbone and backbone as you lay down on the ground begging me to step on your back.  I can feel what it felt like as I slowly moved my feet up your spine- "slower, press down one foot at a time..." you'd say.  "I can't!...

Raw

It's a rainy, raw day.  Someone I correspond with tells me he's prayed for us when he thought of us the last "couple of years."  This is the second time in a month or so I've heard this phrase- it's appalling to me. In the afternoon, after school and a...

Cleaning the Closet

Ann and I also tackled the closet for the greater part of yesterday afternoon and evening once Audrey had gone to sleep. It's a walk-in closet that you could barely put your pinky into. And I confess, I cannot blame its state on my current grief- it was pretty bad...

Trying to Make it Stay

There is something in the human spirit- and I'm not sure what it is yet- knowledge of some truth about an end to all of this that will see justice and things made right, or maybe it's just survival of the fittest- evolution's way of keeping us alive even when we feel...

After Every Milestone

Another holiday down. Up next- your birthday.  Usually the time when you're catching up to me- but not this time. If you had lived, I would've bought you an old-fashioned metronome for your birthday or Christmas.  This was already written down on a list of...

The Story

The Story by Brandi Carlile- a beautiful song we listened to often that I came across on Dan's iPhone/iPod tonight.  I started to listen to it while Audrey was still awake which wasn't a good idea...What a beautiful song- I will miss listening to this with you...

Remember That?

My past is not shared with anyone anymore.That's why the memories are so painful.  Yes, I have memories- and I write them all down in another private journal- all of the funny stories, hidden jokes, and just random moments we shared alone together.   I write...

Friday Afternoon

No nap.So we went for a walk along the river again- because it was a beautiful day and I couldn't stay inside all afternoon.  Plus, pushing her in the stroller has the advantage of letting me cry fairly freely without her seeing me. There were more people out...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

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