I came across this video that has you on it today. I’ve never seen it before. You never mentioned it that I can remember though there was probably some night after Audrey was born (I can tell this by your hair length) when I was up all night nursing and you told me, “I’ll be home late tonight- I’m doing this video-thing with Rachel.” It’s strange to watch because I can tell they “dressed you” including that weird glove on your hand- to fit the part. But now that you’ve been gone, I don’t really want to see you “dressed” like this. It’s hard enough to remember what was real.
Still, it was good to see you Dan. Tears fell down my face and then Audrey came in and I asked her if she wanted to watch. She did, a few times at her request. “That’s appa,” she said. The look you give the singer at the very end, raising your eyebrows and smiling a bit- is one I’ve seen so many times- it’s the look you give the singer you’re playing with. I received it myself back when we played together as a band and in church.
There you are, I think. And I marvel at your forearm and fingers and sideburns and skin. There you are. Your death it seems, is still incomprehensible to me. You…are buried? You are that strange figure that lay in a casket. “We need clothes- suit, underwear, socks- no shoes.” No shoes. That bothered me. There you were on display for all to see. And underneath that closed half of the casket- shoeless. A broken body with no consciousness- dressed by strangers- the ultimate vulnerability.
I am left today starving for the real, live you. It’s like the video was some kind of backwards appetizer. Still I’m thankful for the chance to see you like that- alive, moving, doing what you loved. Because the only thing worse than questioning your death and trying to comprehend it, is questioning your existence- yes you were really here.