Tributaries and White Carpet

by | Jun 18, 2011 | 0 comments

In medias res, I think to myself last night.  This random literary term popping into my head.  In media res- right in the middle.  Milton’s Paradise Lost begins in hell for example, after the angels have already fallen.  And that is where we left off- in medias res.

It is hard to distinguish grief from love- the two erupted so much at once and have remained inseparable for some time now.  So I often ask myself, how does one let go of grief (not that it’s simply a process of will) and hold onto love?  Where will the love go?  In happy memories?  Those are still too painful and will never, never, be happy, despite what well-wishers believe.  To the future?  At a time when I might see you again in the flesh?  Or will it just float up into the air like the hundreds of balloons little children who’ve lost a parent send “up to heaven.”

All of the arguing and late nights and counseling and hurting and healing, I see now as only tributaries.  Our conflict was carving tributaries into my being.  It made sure the love reached every island and inlet- it courses through my veins I guess.

I imagine  your death and my love for you now like the white carpet rolled out before the bride walks down the aisle, like the flower petals dropped by a pretty little girl, laid out for me to walk the rest of this way.


June 18, 2011


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

List-making in a Dark Time

List-making in a Dark Time

For any other list-makers out there, I published this on HerStories yesterday.""In this time of quarantine, my lists are offering me space outside of the walls of my home, a way of making sense of chaos, a self-imposed structure on structure-less days, and even a way...

Simple Things

Simple Things

"In our deepest self we keep living with the illusion that we will always be the same." Henri Nowen "It's really very simple," my late spiritual director, Gladys, once said to me. She was talking about how she lived each day, waking up, having a written conversation...

Continuous Living

Continuous Living

"Anxiety turns us toward courage, because the other alternative is despair." Paul Tillich I've claimed "seasonal affective disorder" for years, and that may be so, but I'm starting to realize it's not only summer to fall that is hard for me. It's winter to spring, and...