And then

it hits.

I had decided in my thoroughness, I must spend this evening looking through all of our little videos we took since Audrey was born…there was a LOT more than I thought so I gave up after a couple of hours, but I did find it hard to pull away…hearing your voice- hearing the two of us singing Mary Had a Little Lamb, Audrey’s most popular request at around a year old, together…being just for a moment, back in that world…the one I can’t get back to.

In one of them, i’m singing a song I used to sing to Audrey when she was an infant- “I wonder where your daddy is, your daddy is, your daddy is?” It continued, “Do you think he’s on the bus right now, the bus right now, the bus right now, do you think he’ll be home soon?”  Tonight I think and feel much the same thing.  I still don’t really “get” this.

This afternoon I told Audrey I was going to tickle her to death.  Not sure why I used that term, but she stopped and asked me, “What’s death?”  “Oh that just means I’m going to tickle you a lot!” I answer.

While searching through your hard drives for videos, I found a song I hadn’t noticed before in your music section.  It’s entitled Letter which was a song of mine that I’d written for you to encourage you on your 30th birthday.  Well, I used it for a slideshow after you died- recording a quick version at a friend’s studio I wasn’t really happy with, wishing I’d gotten to record it with you.  And here, tonight, I find you recorded two piano tracks and three cello tracks for my song right before Audrey was born…I open it up and sing the chorus to the instrumental you created for me…hearing your playing is almost like seeing your face…almost.

“I wish I could write you a letter, from the future when everything’s better…
I’d tell you how fast all this time is gonna pass and how these are some of your best days…
maybe i’d tell you a secret…everything lost we still keep it…”

and I hope that somehow this last line is true…we have lost so much.

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