Tonight it’s hitting me particularly hard.
With no nap, Audrey went to bed at exactly 8 pm, leaving me a much longer stretch of evening. I try to get things done. Phase 2 of my thank you notes. Phase one- the first batch- was sent out last week. I gather the sympathy card stack that I had no address for and start emailing people. It seems formal and pointless since I’m contacting them to get their address, I may as well just say thank you then…but this is the way things are done properly, and I want to do everything that has to do with you…well.
When I have free time, I feel like I have ADD- I go from one thing to the next as quickly as I can. So I did some work for the thank you’s, some cleaning in my room, will shower, and do some paperwork before bed.
But as I’m going from one thing to the next, putting things in their proper place (sort of), I stop and look for the lock of your hair given to me by the funeral director- in a plastic Ziploc bag. I take it out, sit down, smell it, hold it up to the light, and kiss it telling you I love you. Then I place it back about to go back to my cleaning when I realize how horrifying and sad my life has become.
That’s because I see the act I’ve just done from your point of view- at least your point of view before you died. I imagine your horror. I also think about how your hair was such a point of tension, but how had you cut your hair like I wanted, I wouldn’t have this precious long lock. I also imagine myself showing it to Audrey, a grown woman, many years from now. It’s amazing how the mind goes to and fro so rapidly…traveling space and time.
Then as I’m putting it back in your drawer, I fall into your clothes, crying. Your whole drawer has a smell that mine does not- even though your clothes are all clean. I touch your clothes- boxers, t-shirts, socks…I tell you that I miss you so much and I love you so much. That I loved your t-shirts, your hair, your music, your passion for sports…all the things I said I didn’t…the things that drove me crazy- I loved them, I tell you. I loved your bladefoot, and the pores on your nose, and how cheap you could be. I loved it all.
I close the drawer and continue straightening.
More things to be done, water the cello, fold the laundry, get ready for bed.