My Dear Audrey

by | Jan 19, 2011 | 4 comments

Dear Audrey,
You are starting to grieve for your father in a new way.  One night out of nowhere you said at the dinner table, “Appa twaveled a yot.”  “Yes, he did,” I said after having you repeat it a few times so that I could understand you.  It must’ve been important to you that I do because you patiently repeated it as clearly as you could at least three times until I got it and nodded your head with relief when I did.

Another day after a rousing rendition of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” you said “I wish appa could hear me sing Twinkle Little Star.”  “I know, I know you do,”I say.

You realize he will not be here for so many things.  This morning on our way to the drugstore, you said, “I wish appa could go to the drugstore with us,” and then, “I’m sooooory, appa…I’m sooooorrry.”  I think you got this I’m sorry part from me because sometimes when you say something like, “Appa died,” I tell you that I’m so sorry that this happened.

Tomorrow you will be 28 months old.  You last saw your dad at 21 months when you were only speaking mostly one syllable words.

A minute later in the car I am stunned by your words:

 “I wish appa could come back to life.”


January 19, 2011


  1. Anonymous

    That is truly heartbreaking. And so beautiful that such a little, little child can express her connection to him as well as her mourning so expertly.

    I wish you both peace.

  2. megan

    julia. Found your blog randomly, and have just realized – ah, what we have in common – DSN.

    xo – Megan

  3. KGP

    Julia, I started reading your blog after your post on Motherlode — my son is just a little older than your Audrey (and his language skills are becoming similarly complex with every passing day).

    My heart and head hurt for you — hearing Audrey start to really be able to verbalize her pain and loss must make an unbearable situation even more striking.


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

List-making in a Dark Time

List-making in a Dark Time

For any other list-makers out there, I published this on HerStories yesterday.""In this time of quarantine, my lists are offering me space outside of the walls of my home, a way of making sense of chaos, a self-imposed structure on structure-less days, and even a way...

Simple Things

Simple Things

"In our deepest self we keep living with the illusion that we will always be the same." Henri Nowen "It's really very simple," my late spiritual director, Gladys, once said to me. She was talking about how she lived each day, waking up, having a written conversation...

Continuous Living

Continuous Living

"Anxiety turns us toward courage, because the other alternative is despair." Paul Tillich I've claimed "seasonal affective disorder" for years, and that may be so, but I'm starting to realize it's not only summer to fall that is hard for me. It's winter to spring, and...