Playing Cello in My Dreams

by | Dec 10, 2010 | 0 comments

It feels like there should be an end to such brutality- but there’s not.

I am so jealous of everyone on Facebook who posts about a cold that they can’t shake, or a bad commute into work, their favorite sports team losing, or their kids tiring them out.  Sure, no one posts about heavy topics on there really- so one of those same people might be going through some really difficult stuff.  I don’t know that they aren’t.  But I’m still jealous when I read those.  This is self-pity talking I think and I have to watch out.  But the”why me” question I thought I wouldn’t ask a few months ago, appears in my head a lot more often now.

I notice too that friends who invite me to spend time with them, do so when their husbands are away or working.  I remember that- wanting to spend time with your husband if he’s there.  And then if he was out or away, that was the perfect time to catch up with girlfriends.

I can remember when we were first dating, I just didn’t really want to be with my girl friends anymore.  And if I was, I was counting down the hours until I could be with you again.  Right from the beginning, you were my absolute favorite person to be with Dan.

And I can remember sitting around a conference room at Random House before a meeting and people discussing their favorite actors.  My boss at the time asked me who I liked, and I, 24 years old, replied quite matter of factly, “Oh, I think my boyfriend’s the cutest guy in the world.”  And I meant it.  I felt so lucky to be yours.

I can’t believe you’re not coming back.  I can’t get it through my head.  It feels like I’m waiting to see you still in the back of my mind.  I keep pushing through…pushing…

Today while she was trying to nap, though unsuccessfully in the end, I heard Audrey say, “I wish you’d come back from your trip Appa.”   and then “Are you in heaven with God?”

I want to fix things for her- heal her heart…make it better- the way you do as a mother.  “Mommy stick it togetha with scotch tape!” she often says if something breaks or rips.

Last night you were in my dream- as I imagine you are most nights- nothing supernatural- just a dream with you in it.  I acted very aloof in the dream, as if I didn’t want you to think I had been worried and devastated, but your death wasn’t even mentioned.  You came in our bedroom and then I asked you to play the cello- it hasn’t been played in over five months now and I know it’s supposed to be played to stay in good condition so this is probably on my mind.

In the dream I saw you playing so clearly.  I saw your fingers…and I heard your music.  And it was absolutely stirring.  Maybe I am too hasty to say it was nothing supernatural.  I heard you playing cello in my sleep.

Last week I remember at least two friends quoting the same verse to me- the one in the Bible where the guy goes, “I believe…help my unbelief.”

This week I do not believe.

It is despair, horror, pure sorrow.

Help my unbelief.

JAC

December 10, 2010

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

You May Also Like…

List-making in a Dark Time

List-making in a Dark Time

For any other list-makers out there, I published this on HerStories yesterday.""In this time of quarantine, my lists are offering me space outside of the walls of my home, a way of making sense of chaos, a self-imposed structure on structure-less days, and even a way...

Simple Things

Simple Things

"In our deepest self we keep living with the illusion that we will always be the same." Henri Nowen "It's really very simple," my late spiritual director, Gladys, once said to me. She was talking about how she lived each day, waking up, having a written conversation...

Continuous Living

Continuous Living

"Anxiety turns us toward courage, because the other alternative is despair." Paul Tillich I've claimed "seasonal affective disorder" for years, and that may be so, but I'm starting to realize it's not only summer to fall that is hard for me. It's winter to spring, and...