My thoughts have been slowing down a bit.
I think because I’ve been keeping busier. This weekend we attended a birthday party in the city and went pumpkin picking yesterday with some friends.
I also attended a friend’s church yesterday and Audrey went to the nursery program all by herself for the first time. The teacher said she didn’t ask for me once which made me very proud. She had a good time. Meanwhile, I was in the service, checking the “buzzer” they gave me incase she did get upset every few moments to make sure I didn’t miss it vibrating. I listened to the service without really participating. I had no profound thoughts and experienced no supernatural comfort. But it was still nice that this hope exists. If I imagine a world without it, it is truly bleak.
I did think, if this is all true…we are the created. I am the created. Somehow this one thought brought a certain measure of peace.
Starting to get overwhelmed by financial paperwork. I think because I’ve been trying to keep us so busy, I haven’t had a chance to attend to those things. Received a second notice for a $3,000 bill for helicopter rescue from Switzerland…and today received a denial letter from the state health insurance for Audrey and I. They insist we have no health insurance for three months before they’ll put us on. But going without health insurance- even though it’s more than I can afford- also seems like a really bad idea…especially when there’s no guarantee they’ll take you then. So silly. Still- I know all of these things are largely inconsequential- in light of death- they are still small. I’ll try to let them go and watch how they play out.
It is unreal still…even still. I can go through the day imagining you gone- that one’s easy. I did it for half of the year last year- for 30 days at a time. I kept busy. And I can do that now. It’s because you are dead and no longer in the world. That is why it is hard to go on- not because it is actually hard to go on. Does that make sense?
Yesterday at lunch, a little friend of Audrey’s was asked if she wanted to sit on her daddy’s lap. “Audrey’s appa died,” said Audrey quietly…but I heard her.
Last night I dreamt of you. I simply saw you standing there and said, “Oh, it’s you. You’re here…” And you put out your hand silently and I put mine in yours. I have been day dreaming about this a lot lately- the feeling of my hand in yours. Sometimes at night in between reading or typing on the bed, I put my arm down to the side and extend it, opening my hand as if you’re lying next to me.
I found my house keys yesterday. After all that. I just let it go for a few days and didn’t worry about them. Then yesterday I reached into my purse to get my spare to open the door and instead pulled out my keys. They had been in some secret compartment of my purse all along. I felt relieved…and silly.
We rode the elevator up to our floor earlier today with two elderly men. They both were in awe of Audrey and commented on how cute she was. When we got out, I heard the older one tell the other one, “So innocent at that age…they don’t know what’s coming.” I walked down the hall to our apartment following Audrey’s joyful, life-filled steps,
and the words just echoed in my ears.
Last year I went to visit my 85 year old grandmother in Venezuela. We both knew it was the last time we would spend together. She was very sick. My grandfather had passed away two years before.I crawled into bed with her one of the nights of my visit and held her fragile hand in mine. She whipered to me that every night in her bed she could feel my grandfather's hand in hers. She held his hand every night of their 58 year marriage and beyond. I will carry their love with me forever.