I made a deliberate choice today to start living in the present where I am with what I’ve got. I took Audrey to a fun new play space and watched her run around smiling. That made me happy. I think what we need is a routine to stick to each day – to know what’s up for that day and how we’ll get through it. So I need to work on this.
Two nights ago I had a strong and strange dream. In it, I found a giant disgusting bug in our bedroom. I thought it was a huge roach but it also flew. I caught it, but it was still moving around. And it was abnormally big- like the size of a small child. Someone else was there with me…my childhood best friend. Then, we heard movement coming from the floor on the other side of my bed, and I saw something and thought it was another large roach, but then it took off and was a butterfly…just as large- with a wing span of about four feet. It was orange and black but with stripes not dots. Very artificial looking and kind of creepy. So, I’m not sure what to make of it. If the butterfly was truly beautiful, I’d have thought it was a good dream. But both were kind of grotesque in their own way, if for no other reason than their sheer size. Perhaps I am overwhelmed by death and life? I don’t know.
Audrey’s been talking about you a lot more these days Dan.
At dinner in the middle of nowhere, she said, “Appa body stop wokin.” “Appa died.” I look in her eyes and feel so much sadness to watch my baby figure this out step by step. “Mommy body wouk!” “Yes, mommy’s body works just fine. Mommy’s always going to be here with Audrey,” I assure her.
When she does puzzles, which she is very good at, she says, “yook yike appa!” I had told her a while back you were good at puzzles, and I wonder now if that’s why she’s so crazy about them lately. While we were doing some puzzles after dinner, she said, “One day go heaven see appa.” Though it seems confusing, I think she actually gets it- that this won’t be anytime soon. My heart becomes like a stone when I hear these kinds of thoughts.
Again, while she was talking to herself going to sleep in her crib, I heard her on the monitor, “Appa body stop woukin.” Ah.
I realize now that though I knew intellectually that Dan or any one of us for that matter, could die- and even though I feared it all the time…I just didn’t know on a real level that this could happen at all. And I don’t think anyone does. We live under an illusion- a state of denial that tragedy will never strike “our” family. But it does- and it’s out there…and it’s real.
My husband is buried. This long, new dream keeps going on and on. I was thinking before of an apt analogy. You know those parts in a horror movie where you can just tell something bad is about to happen because everything seems OK and there’s either an old 50’s song playing or a child’s music box or something? That’s kind of how my life feels all the time – like one of those moments- but stretched out…kind of terrifying but after the fact.