Audrey’s trying to fall asleep for her nap. I hear her saying over and over again: “Mo mee Dad dy, Au dey!”
Over and over again.
Yesterday a new friend spontaneously asked us to run to the mall to return a few things so we went to Riverside – it’s a nicer mall we actually enjoyed going to- so it was tough- but maybe better because I wasn’t prepared. I ended up buying Audrey a beautiful pair of butterfly wings from Janie and Jack- she can be a butterfly for Halloween- use it for dress-up or even decoration later- the butterfly symbol seems important to us right now.
Then last night, we were invited to dinner at another friend’s. She offered me a glass of Italian wine- which was like champagne and since I haven’t really drank in years- between being pregnant and nursing- or maybe just because it was strong- I really felt that one glass. And interestingly enough- the effects of alcohol don’t seem to numb the pain I live with- but actually made it more real which surprised me- the world just felt more nightmarish under the haze. I guess I’ll have to do this thing completely sober.
Today was my second “outing.” I’d asked my parents to take us to the Children’s Museum this morning. Audrey seemed to have fun. Then we went to a diner for lunch. It was hard-maybe a little less painful though than the ride past the bus stop last Sunday. Audrey made a picture during craft time and I heard another little boy’s mom say “Let’s go show that to daddy.” At the diner, I felt sure you should be coming back to our table from the restroom at any moment Dan. I could see you wiping your nose and smiling at us as you walked back with your particular stride.
As we drove back, Audrey went through her birthday party invites again and asked if you would be there again. I’m glad she still thinks of you- … but it’s hard to tell her no.
I wonder how long this can go on- this feeling that I’m in a nightmare-still waiting patiently to wake up. Or the feeling that I have to endure a trial, and will see you soon again and tell you all about how I did. I really never thought it would end this way Dan- though it has…something is very much ended. I look at the dates on the widow boards to see when the other womens’ husbands died and how old they were- I envy those whose husbands were 37, 44, 52. I would take any additional moment past July 6, 2010.
Still keep thinking about what this feels like- to have your worst fear realized. I worried about it every time you left for a late gig, every time you left for this tour. But then I remember thinking, “Oh well, there’s nothing I can do- worrying won’t help.” and I also remember thinking, “Nothing will happen right? I mean, nothing usually happens.” But now it did. Because sometimes, yes, sometimes things do happen. I can’t speak to every tragedy, but I can say about mine- it is worse than I ever imagined. More painful and destroying than I could’ve ever dreamed in my worst nightmare. Yet- I go on.