Midnight Thoughts

by | Sep 8, 2010 | 0 comments

Today I was thinking about how broken everything is.  It’s overused in the church- and yes, we live in a very broken world, but I was thinking more in a literal sense.

I realized at some point a while back that every single thing I touch or look at, will one day break – will one day sit in a trash can, dumpster, or landfill.  Nothing will last.  No matter how much I researched the best quality juicer, or the best quality camera or stroller- all will one day share that fate- they will be garbage.  Maybe some things will hang around a long time- heirlooms, plastic stuff that doesn’t disintegrate well…but for the most part- nothing you touch will last.  It’s painful and liberating to realize.  Everything is broken.

And then this thought- in Romans: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…

I remember getting to a point where I thought about what that really means- if every single situation and scenario in the world- throughout history- past, present, and future- was working together- how complicated would that tapestry be?  It is beyond my comprehension- which comforts me.  Because it’s not the formulaic- “Well, maybe God was doing this so I would do this.  Yes, that’s it.  Lesson learned.” No, it’s not that at all.  What I see now is just that underside of the tapestry.  It’s a mess of strings and knots.  I hope the other side is much better and the design makes a lot more sense.

I decided a while ago I wouldn’t wear black all the time because when I stopped, people would take it as a sign of healing…which it wouldn’t be.  And also because I don’t want Audrey to see me always in black.  But as a compromise, I think I will sleep in black- that feels very appropriate.  I will wear your black t-shirts that I bought you for the tour.

You are becoming more photos than real.  I can’t believe this because it’s not that long ago.  On the one hand, I can imagine you coming in the door right now- and I do throughout the day- and see your mannerisms so clearly in my mind.  I run up to you, hugging you- telling you thank God- I knew this wasn’t real.  But on the other hand, I look at your pictures lately- and they are flatter- static, completely you- but also somewhat unfamiliar- because they are becoming photos in albums from long ago.


September 8, 2010


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

List-making in a Dark Time

List-making in a Dark Time

For any other list-makers out there, I published this on HerStories yesterday.""In this time of quarantine, my lists are offering me space outside of the walls of my home, a way of making sense of chaos, a self-imposed structure on structure-less days, and even a way...

Simple Things

Simple Things

"In our deepest self we keep living with the illusion that we will always be the same." Henri Nowen "It's really very simple," my late spiritual director, Gladys, once said to me. She was talking about how she lived each day, waking up, having a written conversation...

Continuous Living

Continuous Living

"Anxiety turns us toward courage, because the other alternative is despair." Paul Tillich I've claimed "seasonal affective disorder" for years, and that may be so, but I'm starting to realize it's not only summer to fall that is hard for me. It's winter to spring, and...