by | Sep 28, 2010 | 0 comments

Consistently the hardest thought for me is that Dan doesn’t know he died- he doesn’t have any idea what happened on July 6th or the surreal world I’ve been enduring ever since.

But then I realized what I’m really fearing when I say that is that in death, you lose all awareness- you are annihilated as many people believe.  If this is true, it is not like sleep and would not be peaceful.  It is nothing like sleep because in sleep we are sometimes even more aware than when we are awake.  Things from our unconscious mind are revealed to us that are kept hidden while we’re awake.

But it’s interesting that the fear in my mind isn’t just, “Is he just dead and that’s it?”  but “Does he know he died?”  It feels like this particular concern or way of phrasing it means something- I think it means that the idea that our awareness could extend past death is a familiar one.  It’s a firm option inside of us.  It isn’t placed there by religious institutions or books.  I can tell you- because I am here in this grief- it is just there. Is he aware you want to know…not did he die…but is he aware that he died?

And in that way, maybe sleep is a foreshadowing of death- when we examine both as they really are.  For in sleep we are not simply resting peacefully…we are given an opportunity for a higher awareness.  I feel that more than ever now each night as I close my eyes…I feel hopeful of some discovery in spirit while I rest my physical body.

Obviously, Dan is dead.  His body that I loved is rotting under the ground.  But does he know?  Does he know what’s happening?  This is an entirely different question and the one that comes so naturally to me.

Does he know?


September 28, 2010


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

List-making in a Dark Time

List-making in a Dark Time

For any other list-makers out there, I published this on HerStories yesterday.""In this time of quarantine, my lists are offering me space outside of the walls of my home, a way of making sense of chaos, a self-imposed structure on structure-less days, and even a way...

Simple Things

Simple Things

"In our deepest self we keep living with the illusion that we will always be the same." Henri Nowen "It's really very simple," my late spiritual director, Gladys, once said to me. She was talking about how she lived each day, waking up, having a written conversation...

Continuous Living

Continuous Living

"Anxiety turns us toward courage, because the other alternative is despair." Paul Tillich I've claimed "seasonal affective disorder" for years, and that may be so, but I'm starting to realize it's not only summer to fall that is hard for me. It's winter to spring, and...