Alive

by | Sep 3, 2010 | 0 comments

Dear Dan,
In the early days, I clung immediately to the hope that you were still alive.  I said it in my tribute at the funeral- “I will see you again, my love.” were my last words.  And I meant it.  Sincerely.

But it’s been tough, as you know.  It’s been complicated.  I have started to wonder now if denial was posing as the Christian hope of an afterlife.  Because I could say that you were still alive and well.  I could cling to it and look forward to a reunion with you.

But then it became harder.  Then I realized how permanent our separation.  The only life span, the only world I know…its entirety.  Then I realized, that no-  you are not alive and well- you are dead.

I must now deny denial this right to masquerade as hope or else I will not find the true hope.  The verse I chose for your funeral was about grieving with hope- not without hope.  But I’m having a hard time doing those together.  For now, I think I need to take them just one at a time.

So now- I grieve.

Are you alive in some sense?  In some way my mind cannot comprehend?  I hope so.

Sarang hae Hae-wan.

Your wife,
Julia

JAC

September 3, 2010

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

You May Also Like…

List-making in a Dark Time

List-making in a Dark Time

For any other list-makers out there, I published this on HerStories yesterday.""In this time of quarantine, my lists are offering me space outside of the walls of my home, a way of making sense of chaos, a self-imposed structure on structure-less days, and even a way...

Simple Things

Simple Things

"In our deepest self we keep living with the illusion that we will always be the same." Henri Nowen "It's really very simple," my late spiritual director, Gladys, once said to me. She was talking about how she lived each day, waking up, having a written conversation...

Continuous Living

Continuous Living

"Anxiety turns us toward courage, because the other alternative is despair." Paul Tillich I've claimed "seasonal affective disorder" for years, and that may be so, but I'm starting to realize it's not only summer to fall that is hard for me. It's winter to spring, and...