Dear Audrey
Excerpted in the New York TimesI started this blog a couple of weeks after learning of my husband's sudden death at the age of 33.
The primary goal was to get me through each moment, hour, and day, but I also hoped that someday my daughter and I would read through it and learn something together—about my dear husband, her father, and about death, and about life.
I'm grateful that it's also served as a comfort for many others going through loss around the world, many of whom have become dear friends.
Tender Things
Today I started packing- and it felt...surprisingly- nice. I was at that point before you move where I knew I had a move out date, but it still felt completely unreal that I was actually going to pack up everything I own in the next week and move. To see a...
Resign
Resignation. This is the word that plods in my head the past three or four days as I try to help Audrey recover from fever and her first ear infection, and as we head down to the beach with my parents for a few nights. I am anxious and uneasy because she...
What I Leave Behind
I'll leave behind the constant view out our windows- the one you said looked like the scene of an Indie movie while the opening credits were playing. I'll leave behind the scene of Audrey's first crawl, first steps, jump, and many attempts at skipping. I'll...
On My Knees
Yesterday was a darker day than most, but the thought of writing about it- trying to capture the complex kind of darkness- is overwhelming. Words will fail...words will fail- the stream of consciousness speed of light kind of pain says over and over as I...
Shadow
Today is the day you were to come home.It was up on the wall.It was a Friday.Two years ago.Every day now is the day you don't come home.But this date will always be marked and felt to be lived in the umbra.
8
I always had an affinity for the number eight. When I was two or three in dance classes in a young teacher's garage I believe- she would often have us guess a number and in that way auction off her old jewelry. The day I guessed the number eight, I won and...
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