Things are changing now. Evolving.
The pragmatic thoughts I had weeks ago, “Dan is dead- we must go on,” have left me entirely. I can not find them if I try.
My inability to cry is gone. I cry.
I search less for some mystery to be found, and believe more I must endure a great loss.
I don’t know if I can encourage those other widows online like I used to. The ones who sounded so hopeless and sappy to me a few weeks ago. I’m not sure my words can sound as life-affirming right now.
And in the early days, I really hated it when people told me I was lucky to have Audrey- because she was a piece of him. It bothered me because Audrey is Audrey- her own person- not Dan, and I would never place that pressure on her to fill his missing role in my life. She is just a toddler who needs my constant care. But tonight, while I was reading her bedtime stories, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her profile. I saw your long eyelashes and I saw your eyes. It was as if for the very time, I realized that she is made of you and me- our DNA intertwined, and for the first time, I thought- yes, you have left me something- she is beautiful- thank you.