Your Worst Fear Happens

by | Aug 3, 2010 | 0 comments

Other than something happening to Audrey- I can easily say that anything happening to Dan has been my worst fear for the past ten years or so- death, being my greatest fear.

So I think to myself sometimes as I walk around in tears, “My worst fear has happened. Dan is actually dead. What does this mean for me now?”
Another young widower I spoke to said that once his wife and two children died, he felt a strange security- because the worst had happened- he didn’t feel worried or scared anymore. I had been telling him about how I was now feeling really fearful at night. I’m not sure why still- it’s mostly that I’m feeling kind of watched still and waiting for Dan to jump out at me from behind the corner or from the closet near his clothes- and say “Surprise!”
I definitely don’t worry about the little things anymore. I’m not worried about germs like I usually am (Dan made fun of me how I pulled down my shirt sleeve to open the door at Audrey’s Dr.’s office), and I’m freely letting others take Audrey and drive her to their home for playgroup without her being under my watchful eye – which I never did before this happened.
I’ve no agenda or organization for this post, just grappling so much with how this changes things- my worst fear happens. It means anything can happen. It means, yes, the absolute worst- and actually worse than you ever even thought – can happen.
Is it possible that the other side is true as well? That there could be some balance to correct a lopsided world. And I don’t just mean that something great could happen- or somehow redeem or be worth Dan’s life. But is it possible that after death- which is always the worst – the absolute best thing could happen? That would be very clever.

JAC

August 3, 2010
v

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

December 17, 2014- A New Blog

It has been almost a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog.  In my mind, this blog was complete.  And yet, there was a lack of finality to it.  Grief has no finality, though it does have evolution and change, while this blog does have finality simply because...

Speed of Light

On the eve of your death I am watching town fireworks the day after the fourth of July. I am overwhelmed by the crowd of families around us on blankets with glo-sticks and cotton candy as we wait for darkness in the still, hot, summer air.  There is a Korean...

Father’s Day 2013

Father’s Day 2013

This is the third time.  It is brutal.I haven't felt it helpful or complex enough to say, "It's not fair; it's just not fair," in the past three years.  But on this day, I think those words a lot. Unless your young child has lost a parent, you cannot imagine...