Today I vacillated back and forth between very pragmatic thinking- “Dan has died. I must go on,” and moments of overflowing grief- one where I even remember saying aloud, “Wretched, wretched world,” as though I were in a Shakespeare play or something.
At Duane Reade- a drugstore- with Audrey and a friend this morning- I was doing alright at first. We were looking for blue nail polish for Audrey. I never would’ve put nail polish on my daughter’s toes in the past, but now it seems pretty harmless. She’s been looking at my pink toes and when I asked her if she wanted to her toes painted, she requested blue. I know you’d hate it Dan- a little girl with any kind of make-up. Well, we forgot our wallets anyway, so it’ll have to wait.
But while we were looking around, the usual drugstore music was playing, and then all of the sudden I heard piano chords. It wasn’t a song that had any particular meaning to you and me, but it was a pretty song I’ve always liked, and it seemed to be playing louder than the other songs had. Maybe I was just by a speaker in the ceiling when it came on, but the words could’ve been spoken from you to me from wherever you are now. Saying goodbye and that you’d always love me, no matter how far away you were.
I cried in the aisle while Mercy kept Audrey occupied, all while I picked up nail polishes and put them back. Then in my hand I found the same color I’d had my toes painted for my bridal shower. I’ve never seen it since. I had gone for a pedicure- probably have only gone less than ten times in my life, and I’m never good at picking colors- plus I feel nervous/guilty for the poor woman doing my feet the whole time- so I liked the color of the girl’s next to me and just went with that. I hid a bottle and thought I’ll come back and buy it. I always remember my bridal shower as one of those days where I felt prettier than I ever had. I met you at your apartment and we took a cab together- you came in and dropped me off. I remember telling you in the cab and on the elevator how nervous/embarrassed I felt to have all of this attention on me.
Later, after Audrey’s nap, I decided to plug in Dan’s ipod part of his phone so that we could listen to his mix on there. I scrolled through and picked one of his favorite artists, David Mead. The song Indiana came on. Again, not a song that had particular meaning to us- but just a song that played often in the background of our lives, and resonated and reverberated a million thoughts and feelings for me. I realize now music is going to be difficult for me to listen to.
Audrey danced behind our sheer white curtain in the living room to the beautiful music while I smiled at her through tears I hoped the white cotton would hide- telling her to “Dance, dance, dance!”