Reading a lot of the memorials pages sent to me for Audrey’s book- I am overwhelmed with the goodness of the man I married. In fact, I cannot believe he chose me. And then a lot of my flaws come back to me and how I hunger and yearn for just one more chance to see him and resolve some of the tension we’d had going on this past year with his touring. There were so many things left unsaid- things we said we’d “talk about when you get back from the tour.”
But I did the best I could- to support you in the ways I knew how. I found a place for you to get your cello appraised so we could insure it. I ordered you a new humidifier thingee for the cello and when you were away this past year, I “watered” it every other day. I wrote you songs to encourage you, and I prayed for you, for years- earnest, fasting, heartbroken prayers that God would please let you do what you were made to do. And when you doubted things would work out with a certain upcoming gig or were too afraid to get your hopes up, I always told you not to worry- it’ll work out.
The day before I went into labor, I was coming out of my doctor’s office and was handed a flyer to go be on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” (in the audience), so I figured what the heck. I was just waiting for Audrey’s arrival- she was 5 days late by then and wanted to kill some time. When I was on line, I filled out an application to actually be a contestant- just for fun. In one section you had to say what you would do with the money if you won. I remember it was no question in my mind: I said I’d use it to support us and buy health insurance so my husband could do music full time and quit his day job. I told you that later, and you seemed surprised and looked at me sincerely and said, “Thanks.”
That same summer, a couple of months earlier- was the first gig you played with Regina Spektor- at Macarren Park. You were so busy at your day job during that time and would rush home to get your cello before rehearsals with Regina. You didn’t want Regina to know you had a full time job in something other than music- but you had to to support us, so she never knew you were rushing like that and taking days off here and there. I knew you’d be hungry, but I remember being really tired myself- and kind of annoyed at how little I got to see of you lately- but thinking to myself that this was love- to care for you even in the midst of those feelings. I was standing in the kitchen 8 months pregnant, cooking you a quesadilla and wrapping it up in foil ready to go. When you came in the door, you literally ran through the apartment to get your cello, and I handed you the food, and you were gone.
Later you thanked me and said that you were feeling so faint waiting for the train in the hot subway tunnel and surely would’ve passed out if you didn’t have that food to eat. You also told me it was delicious- you always said I was a good cook- I think literally at every meal we ate. “Audrey- isn’t mommy such a good cook? Aren’t we so lucky?”
Before you left for the Australian tour, I threw you a small party and toasted your success. The tour had really taken a toll on our marriage, but I couldn’t let this go without telling you just how proud of you I was. I sat watching you in Radio City Hall, tears streaming down my face, because your music was so beautiful, and also because I was seeing a prayer answered. The next day I wrote an email to all of the people we had ever prayed with thanking them and telling them about the fruit of those countless prayers. I also wrote them just because I was proud- and I wanted everyone to know how amazing my husband was.
I was also planning on making you an album/scrapbook of the touring you did. I was saving all the concert badges and other stuff and planning on taking photos and putting it all together in a book online. I am sad I did not get to do that for you.
My heart got harder while you toured- i was protecting myself. When you came in the door at night- I often pretended I was busy or didn’t care, but really- EVERY SINGLE TIME I SAW YOUR FACE- from the very first time- to the very last- it made my heart jump- it brought me more joy than anything else ever has in my life. Just to see you smile and say hi.
This posting is painful and disorderly- I am just trying to figure out if I did enough- if you knew even a fraction of how much I loved you. Friends tell me you did- they also tell me, you certainly know now.