Tonight I am a fully saturated cloud- waiting to have my “time” when Audrey went to sleep for the better part of the afternoon. It’s getting harder to function now in a different way than before. The functioning and even the playing with Audrey is seeped with grief. I feel emotionally removed from her while I play with play dough or even read a story- because I’m flooded with so much pain and so many thoughts of her father.
I keep having the urge to ask people, “Is Dan really dead?”
Tonight I watched my shadow on the living room wall kiss his photo. I looked through the funeral program again- I look at the cover mostly- “Daniel Cho- A Celebration of Life”- and try to recall that I planned this program because Dan actually died and we had a funeral for him.
Whenever I type in a title for these blog posts as I just did, if I just put one letter- a bunch of choices come from the blog Dan had started for Audrey. So I type in “S” and see “Somebody’s a pretty girl!” It is even there- as I write- like I am treading in his mist.
The memories don’t let up. I imagine a deck of cards and someone who knows how to shuffle really well is doing that move where they drop all of the cards on top of one another- it feels like that.