Please Do Not Rush Me!

by | Aug 23, 2010 | 1 comment

It’s happening now- I feel the change of seasons coming and realize that although time has stopped for me, this summer will not be an eternal one.  The advertising world pushes us along- back to school started months ago, and their marketing through Christmas is all ready to go.

Yesterday, as our friend drove us to her home for dinner, she commented on how they had noticed the leaves on the trees starting to change colors already.  Her daughter pointed them out- the spots of red and yellow- as we drove down the road.

Then, today, just now before my parents left, I heard my dad, who was looking at a book with Audrey, tell her that soon we’d be able to get a pumpkin.  And then my mom said that we’d also go to the holiday train show at the Botanical Garden.  I had wanted to go last year, but we never got around to it.

I snapped.  “Please, we don’t have to think about Christmas yet!  My God!”

I suppose for people in the regular world, seasons and holidays are something to look forward to.  They seem to be, in many ways, what keeps people going.  Especially if you’re working in a 9-5 job with no end in sight – it’s important to look towards something- a break maybe, a celebration.  It’s a large part of the small talk we engage in.  I always found it irritating though in the elevators of corporate buildings when people would say “Oh, this weather- it’s so hot!” and then the next season, “Oh, when will this cold end!”  I know they’re just making conversation and all, but you’d think they’d be used to the fact that it’s hot in summer and cold in winter by now.  The other thing that irritated me was the way everyone said “Happy New Year” as the official “office greeting” until about late February.  OK, so the corporate world wasn’t for me.

But I get it, I really do- how the cyclical seasons help us move forward and give us hope for change.

But I don’t feel like moving forward right now- forward means alone, forward means further from my living love, forward means forgetting.  It is way too soon and too raw for that.  I prefer to stay here, in my “mystical grieving space,” as my therapist called it Friday morning on the phone, for a little while longer.  The only plus I see about the impending change of seasons is something that I read on a widow board.  Another young widow said that she preferred winter these days because it suited her grieving state better- the spring and summer were just too full of life she said.


August 23, 2010

1 Comment

  1. Beth

    The best decision we made the 1st Christmas "after" was to go on a Caribbean cruise. It was nothing like Christmas & by the 2nd year after… the holidays stung less.


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

December 17, 2014- A New Blog

It has been almost a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog.  In my mind, this blog was complete.  And yet, there was a lack of finality to it.  Grief has no finality, though it does have evolution and change, while this blog does have finality simply because...

Speed of Light

On the eve of your death I am watching town fireworks the day after the fourth of July. I am overwhelmed by the crowd of families around us on blankets with glo-sticks and cotton candy as we wait for darkness in the still, hot, summer air.  There is a Korean...

Father’s Day 2013

Father’s Day 2013

This is the third time.  It is brutal.I haven't felt it helpful or complex enough to say, "It's not fair; it's just not fair," in the past three years.  But on this day, I think those words a lot. Unless your young child has lost a parent, you cannot imagine...