It’s been a long morning already. A. didn’t sleep well and was clingy and quickly frustrated this morning. I was feeling ready to get a few things done. I ordered large yellow lollipops on Etsy as per her request for the favors for her upcoming second birthday. I wrote our rent check and another dues check to the Music Union who apparently are holding a check for Dan. I finished most of the application for state health insurance.
My productivity was thanks to a friend who came with bagels and cream cheese and juice around ten ‘o clock. She kept Audrey busy for a while. Right now I’ve just discovered that giving Audrey some play dough along with the little pots and pans my mom gave her buys me quite a bit of time to myself. She’ll be getting a play kitchen for her birthday- something I’d planned to do long before this happened and will still do.
Even amidst this productivity, I felt so much sorrow this morning. I wrote a thank you note to the friend who was watching Audrey- who had visited three cemeteries with me- and to her husband, who organized and preached at Dan’s funeral. I had been meaning to do this for some time. I thanked them for being there for us during such a profound time and told them I would never forget. And as I wrote, I wept. I signed the card Julia, Daniel, and Audrey. I feel I am Dan’s voice now left in the world- and I want to be sure to thank those whom he would thank.
I found another journal that had morphed into a to-do list- very telling how many of my more recent attempts to express myself had that same fate. In it I found a random poem written on 6/24/09:
They sky must have agreed with me
it wept when you left.
They call that pathetic
but the rain stopped
as your bus drove away,
the sky cleared-
now on with the day.
If only it were that simple now.