How Can I Honor You?

by | Aug 8, 2010 | 0 comments

99% of me wants to curl up in bed and die. My grief counselor tells me that’s not reflective of suicidal thoughts- just normal grief and a natural desire to be reunited with you.

But there’s 1% that knows, at least on a purely intellectual level, that I am still alive- and don’t get a say in the manner. And…if I listen for your voice and what you’d be telling me to do- there I find the ways to honor you with my life.
To continue to be a good mother to Audrey and make sure she grows up with joy and faith in beautiful things.
To take care of myself- even if now it just means getting up, putting food in my mouth, and going to sleep. Because you love me and would hate to see me disintegrate.
To inherit your drive- to find and do what I myself am good at and am called to do.
For now- I’ll just try to stop crying, go to sleep and get some rest. It’s a start.


August 8, 2010


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

December 17, 2014- A New Blog

It has been almost a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog.  In my mind, this blog was complete.  And yet, there was a lack of finality to it.  Grief has no finality, though it does have evolution and change, while this blog does have finality simply because...

Speed of Light

On the eve of your death I am watching town fireworks the day after the fourth of July. I am overwhelmed by the crowd of families around us on blankets with glo-sticks and cotton candy as we wait for darkness in the still, hot, summer air.  There is a Korean...

Father’s Day 2013

Father’s Day 2013

This is the third time.  It is brutal.I haven't felt it helpful or complex enough to say, "It's not fair; it's just not fair," in the past three years.  But on this day, I think those words a lot. Unless your young child has lost a parent, you cannot imagine...