After three days of staring at it on his desk, this morning I opened the package with Dan’s iphone, wallet, and wedding band.
It’s all gone rather seamlessly; I’ve removed the promise rings I was wearing- the ones we wore for five years while dating- and replaced it with just his wedding band. I wear it on the gold chain he wore when we met 11 years ago- his grandmother had given one to each of the brothers. He loved her very much. I’ve had it in my own jewelry box for quite a few years as he’d stopped wearing it a while back- I think because he said it was making him itchy or giving him a rash.
Another widow had told me and this is true I’m finding- that a lot of the bigger moments – the holidays, anniversaries, Audrey’s milestones may pass more easily than I would expect. This is because in our minds we build them up and expect them to be the most emotional. So I opened the package and yes, I cried quite a bit- but like I said- overall the exchange was rather seamless- not unleashing the dam that I thought it might.
Instead, said my new friend- it’s the ordinary everyday moments- just like the ones I most miss- that will sneak up on you and you will find yourself sobbing at the grocery store or at the playground.
Is there a way I can prepare for those too? No, because there is no preparation, no planning, no controlling I can do here. I think of Dan- I too feel helpless, carried by cold, cold waters.