Pragmatic Thinking

by | Jul 27, 2010 | 0 comments

Since your death, I’ve had these moments that seem like totally clear thinking- frighteningly pragmatic and emotionless though- so I know they are not. Actually they are just a way I think I’m trying to survive.

But I stop and think: “I had a feeling this might happen. I worried all the time- about you traveling- about the possibility of your death. Furthermore, I knew one day you’d die and I’d probably be left alone. I knew. So…it has happened. I must just go on.”
And this morning I had a burst of normalcy, and cleaning. And I felt as I vacuumed the rugs quite feverishly (but that’s how I always clean), “OK, it happened. The worst has happened. Now I must clean up, now I must get getting.”
These thoughts both comfort and disturb me at the same time. Because I know it is way too soon for me to “get going” and I know that it is some strange survival instinct rising up in me- but I know that also- eventually, not for many days, but one day, it will be true.


July 27, 2010


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

December 17, 2014- A New Blog

It has been almost a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog.  In my mind, this blog was complete.  And yet, there was a lack of finality to it.  Grief has no finality, though it does have evolution and change, while this blog does have finality simply because...

Speed of Light

On the eve of your death I am watching town fireworks the day after the fourth of July. I am overwhelmed by the crowd of families around us on blankets with glo-sticks and cotton candy as we wait for darkness in the still, hot, summer air.  There is a Korean...

Father’s Day 2013

Father’s Day 2013

This is the third time.  It is brutal.I haven't felt it helpful or complex enough to say, "It's not fair; it's just not fair," in the past three years.  But on this day, I think those words a lot. Unless your young child has lost a parent, you cannot imagine...