This song I haven’t heard in many, many years just popped into my head. The title is Inconsolable. The artist is Jonatha Brooke. Dan introduced her to me as one of his favorite vocalists and I was hooked. Her albums were the soundtrack to our falling in love. I drove to work every morning listening to the tape in my car and feeling lightheaded. When I walked into the small office where I had my first job out of college as a grant writer, one of the program directors asked me what was going on and why I had such a big smile as I walked into work. She had tried previously to set me up with a musician friend of hers- a tall white guy with blonde hair who was getting a PhD. in some technical music thing- oh my goodness- so different from you Dan. I’d met him once at a party and not really felt anything. He asked me to go somewhere after that and I remember I said I was too tired to go- because I was. And I guess I didn’t think it was worth it. I was choosy- waiting for the right guy. You were my first and only.
You got us tickets to see Jonatha a few times while we were dating. It’s a little hazy but I think we went one Valentine’s Day- and at least one other time. Because I remember the last time we saw her, she’d gotten married to one of her producers and seemed too happy for her usual melancholic style- we both critiqued the new album as just not the same and agreed that maybe with the whole happy marriage thing, she’d lost her edge. I think she’s divorced now but not sure. We went to see her at the Fez- the red velvety downstairs lounge. You played there quite a bit in those days too- with Cameron Dezen. I always felt so special when I went to see you- sitting in the audience, knowing you were mine. You didn’t quite know what to do with yourself yet on stage back then. You’d give me goofy smiles and raise your eyebrows in between songs. When you were playing, you had a much more intense look on your face, but you told me you were actually just really bored and not sure how to look. It was that easy for you.
Inconsolable was not one of our favorite songs. We liked “So Much Mine,” “Meant to Be Together,” and “West Point.”
But nonetheless, it’s what I’ve found playing in my head this early afternoon as Audrey hopefully takes her nap and I can get the first break I’ve had since 7 am this morning. Just to sit and rest. Maybe write more because I’ve been thinking lots this morning amidst playing with stickers and reading a book called “Peek a Who” that someone kindly sent via Amazon yesterday- though I have no idea who.
“Cause you were the one sure thing, the one sure thing. Maybe I’m not crazy, just inconsolable. Inconsolable.”