This morning is much harder – although it seems to feel that way every day. I have nothing planned Dan, and I feel like if Audrey wasn’t here, I’d be crying a lot.
She carried one of the picture frames I have set out on the table over to me just before, pointing out “Au dee…Mo mmy…Da dy…Ap pa.” It’s the one we took of ourselves on the little train at Van Saun Park right before you left- Audrey’s not looking at the camera and most of her is cut off. You and I are looking not at the lens so we look as though we’re looking away but in the same direction.
I’ve been checking email and facebook but it’s Saturday morning and not a lot of activity on there to distract me. How I envy those whose status speaks of normal, everyday life…weekend plans, the movie they just enjoyed, a photo of their baby sleeping.
She is getting restless, but I figure she’s been pretty busy in a fairly normal routine the last three days so she can have one day of just hanging around the apartment with me, though that promises to be a very long morning.
So I’m thinking about what I can do to quell the pain. I put on some pants- chosen by Audrey for me- then leafed through your drawer and chose one of your Korean jerseys.
I decided to make some tea, or “tay” as you called it, even though it’s what- 97 degrees?
“You want some tay?” you would say. You were always making tea- we were always drinking tea. The strong English tea you brought back from England a few years ago- with a little milk and honey- South African Roiboos- also with honey and milk- was one of our favorites. Of course we drank Korean teas a lot- and honey and lemon when we were sick. When you felt you were catching a cold you sucked on lemons- you said you forced yourself to. All my worries about you catching colds- ha.
You also loved coffee. Working at a 9-5 job you said you had to have it a couple times a day to stay awake, though I warned you against drinking too much. What was I- the life police? My God. I guess I just loved you.
I was never very good at making coffee at home, but just recently you said I’d mastered it and you loved my coffee- even though I still only made it on weekends. I ground the beans and made it in a French press. You didn’t put sugar and liked whole milk- cream was a big no-no according to you. I agree and will always drink my coffee this way.
So I’ve got my tay now- but it’s not really comforting. Was saying to another widow the other day how there just isn’t any comfort. Chicken soup, a pint of ice cream, staying in to watch a comedy, or even tay- those are great for lesser pains- having a rough day at work, or even getting laid off. I think they’ll work if your vacation gets cancelled due to a summer storm, and definitely if you get a bad haircut. It’ll work if you get in a quarrel with your spouse and aren’t speaking for a day or so, and I know from experience it works fairly well if your spouse is traveling and you’re alone at night.
But no, not now. It isn’t working- it’s just something to do.