In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Traveling

The further one climbs up up out of the valley, the more suddenly, treacherously, one plummets with one misstep, after the sun has set and it is harder to see and one is alone with her thoughts.Today while driving Audrey to school, I thought about vacations.  I...

Four Months

It is just hours from the four month mark.  I will not recognize the day of your death, but the day before when you were alive.  It is now 130 days since I saw your face and kissed you goodbye.  I still have very little grasp on the fact that I will not...

The Comfort in my Low Estate

I am lately finding comfort in the thousands of species of animals.  At a visit to the zoo yesterday, we marveled at the long snout and bushy tail of the anteater, the ancient stillness of the alligator, and the majesty of an elk's antlers.  While I...

Physicality

In the kitchen- putting away leftovers from Audrey's lunch before- thinking about how everything I touch in there marks our union- it's all stuff from our wedding registry.  The plates, the utensils, the mugs and glasses. I put away the macaroni and cheese and...

Mothering You

We are running out of the paper towels and toilet paper that you ran to Target for before you left. I've been thinking about this post for a long time.  The grief counselor told me that we grieve the relationship the way it was lived, and in our relationship, I...

Nostalgia

I'm pretty tired of writing here.I've never had an end date in mind, but I think I'll know it when it's here and I feel like I'm rounding the bend.  Not because there's nothing more to say or write, but because there is no end to all there is to say and write....

Birthday of My Life

Audrey and I looked through our wedding album the other day.  In the box I found a few of our wedding programs- like your funeral program, they are tied with a ribbon- this one is a spring green. I'd forgotten that I included a favorite poem by Christina Rossetti...

Fears on Beginning 7.21.10

Who do I write for? Myself primarily. Second Audrey. Third Dan. What will I write? Thoughts- whatever will help give birth to the invisible grief inside. When will I write? Probably late at night when you are asleep Audrey. In Wordsworth's Preface to "Lyrical Ballads"...

Your Stuff

Audrey is starting to claim your stuff Dan. So far I showed her your Bible and she has claimed that. "Appa Bi bul" she says, and then "Audrey!" So I told her she can have it now.Once I told her that, she pointed at your computer chair and asked if she could have that...

Continuing

I just went through your wallet again.  It felt especially strange when I got to your driver's license which says, "organ donor" and when I got to your bank card.  Those are two things you would need and still have if you were just in hiding somewhere so...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner