In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Oh How He Loved You

I have thought of a few more things I remember your dad being super protective of Audrey- and before I forget them- I just wanted to write them down for you.  When you are thirteen or twenty or thirty even- they may sound silly because they're all ways of...

Another Daniel

Today when I opened up the email account I have for this blog I found an email from "Daniel."  It's funny because even when your friend Dan sometimes write me, I always think for a moment, it could be you.  I am always eager to believe in some kind of loop...

No Anesthesia

Writing this post has me in tears before I even begin. How do I explain to a 22 month old little girl who loves her dad that she will never see him again? This is the most heartbreaking thing I deal with on a day to day basis. Audrey is bright (and I'm not just saying...

Raw

It's a rainy, raw day.  Someone I correspond with tells me he's prayed for us when he thought of us the last "couple of years."  This is the second time in a month or so I've heard this phrase- it's appalling to me. In the afternoon, after school and a...

Ineffable

Tonight is horrible.  The permanence sinks in deeper. There has not yet been room to think about the future or the reality that faces me- but yesterday after meeting with a financial advisor, I felt it.  He estimated Audrey's college expenses at $400,000 for...

Cumulous: One

"There is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it," says C.S. Lewis.  When it comes down to it- yes.  This is how it is.  It is seeing the reflection of the top of your cello case in the frame of the wedding picture over our bed where our...

Many Kinds of Tears

Last night I think about how many different kinds of tears there are and I think I have cried most of them by now.  I don't think I realized there were such different breeds of crying before this kind of loss.There are angry tears, tears of rage.There are tears...

Ode

You couldn't pronounce Casper - (the friendly ghost) as a small child- and you called him "caspital."  You dressed up as Caspital for Halloween. You never learned how to write in cursive. You were born in Illinois and had cornfields in your backyard. When you...

First Time

We were talking about your brother's visit a lot today.  He's coming tomorrow and hopefully Audrey will get to spend some quality time with a real uncle for a few days.  Then we were remembering you.  Of course she remembers you, but I think she was...

Three

When Dan was on tour or working his 9-5 job in between touring, it was a long day with just Audrey and me.  Any stay-at-home mom knows what I'm talking about.  I am pretty sure it's much easier in many ways to go to work. But Audrey and I kept busy-...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner