In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Saturated

Thursday morning.Woke up after a very intense estrangement dream in which I was demanding Dan choose his career or me. Telling him that he simply could not have both.  There was a longing and aching that stayed with me after waking.  It was hard to get up. A...

We Sleep With Your Coat

I just haven't felt like writing lately.  I have a million painful, inarticulate thoughts throughout the day but the idea of translating them into the English language is overwhelming me lately.But I will try...I will force it for a bit tonight because I know...

And then

it hits.I had decided in my thoroughness, I must spend this evening looking through all of our little videos we took since Audrey was born...there was a LOT more than I thought so I gave up after a couple of hours, but I did find it hard to pull away...hearing your...

Your Worst Fear Happens

Other than something happening to Audrey- I can easily say that anything happening to Dan has been my worst fear for the past ten years or so- death, being my greatest fear.So I think to myself sometimes as I walk around in tears, "My worst fear has happened. Dan is...

A Cup of Coffee

I'm having one of those moments, right now, at this very moment, where I am absolutely winded with disorientation.  With the fact that you lived here, with me, were my husband and Audrey's father, and our life was "normal," and now it's not and I haven't seen you...

Doing the Taxes

Doing taxes always sucks, but this year it really sucks- and I'm not even doing them.  I read about other widows having breakdowns when they receive the W2's in the mail.  But because you were self-employed, I've been getting a ton of 1099's and W2's so I...

Neurons and Synapses

A friend whom I've come to know through this blog emailed me this the other day.  (Thank you, Anne) It's from "The Brain in Love" by Daniel G. Amen, MD: "What happens in the brain when you lose someone you love? Why do we hurt, long, even obsess about the other...

January

It is January.It is late.On these long, sullenwinter days,I deeply miss yourcoming home.I am diligent in this,the waking, sleeping, and eating.In washing dishes and crumbs off countertops, pulling the trash can down to the curb on Mondays.Nightly aloneafter she...

More Absence

It's funny how people keep telling me they felt your presence last night throughout the concert- in the music, the stories, the words spoken.All I feltwas your absence.

2.14.11

It's been busy.  Audrey's Valentine Party was a lot of fun for her, and then this morning we hosted a play group for a heart-shaped french toast brunch.  All together we've had about 20 little ones in our one bedroom apartment in the past twenty four hours....

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner