In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Baptism and Wisdom Teeth

The night I was baptized for the second time- as an adult in a pool, I came home to my parent's house where I was living at the time- and I remember there was a phone message from a friend with whom I'd been having some problems. It normally would have brought up a...

I Keen Quietly

And the grief is awoken again.I had a productive afternoon, but then decided to start working on one of what I call "memorial projects."  I want to collect every word you said about Audrey that I have in writing- either in emails, FB picture comments, letters you...

That Was Beautiful

"She's kept her love for him as alive as the summer they first met.  In order to do this, she's turned life away." "To paint a leaf, you have to sacrifice the whole landscape.  It might seem like you're limiting yourself at first, but after a while you...

April 26, 2010

...I hope your night was ok.  All I can think about is how you and Audreyare doing.  Knowing the guy upstairs keeps making noise and smoking,makes it so difficult for me to relax.I promise we will move out soon.  Maybe moving to/buying a new placeis my...

Traveling

The further one climbs up up out of the valley, the more suddenly, treacherously, one plummets with one misstep, after the sun has set and it is harder to see and one is alone with her thoughts.Today while driving Audrey to school, I thought about vacations.  I...

What She Remembers

Audrey remembers so much Dan. At 22 months, her language is just exploding, but that doesn't mean I can always understand what she's trying to say.  Up until now, I prided myself on that.  To others she'd just be babbling, but I'd say, "Oh, she wants water,"...

My Life is A Memory

The pain is indescribable right now- today evening has been much rougher than morning. Audrey and I went to visit a couple with 2 children a friend introduced us to- since it was our first time meeting- there were a lot of questions about me and our life, but I just...

Anticipation

This is a tough one to write.I keep thinking about how excited I would feel to meet you- right up to the end really.  But in the beginning it was so intense.  The very first time you took the bus to Jersey, I remember I stood on the overpass over the highway...

We Sleep With Your Coat

I just haven't felt like writing lately.  I have a million painful, inarticulate thoughts throughout the day but the idea of translating them into the English language is overwhelming me lately.But I will try...I will force it for a bit tonight because I know...

Swatting at the Darkness

In the middle of the night, during the first week of your death, I awoke and when I opened my eyes and focused, there was something in front of me...something darker than the darkness around it- something opaque. I jolted my head back and I swatted at it with my right...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner