Sometimes I think I should just give up completely trying to connect the old life to this one. Forcing myself to realize, that not only have I not seen Dan for a long time now, but it’s because he’s frickin’ dead and buried. A disappearing Dan I can manage, albeit broken-hearted. A Dan that is no more- I can not bear.
I wonder if it’s like when you have an argument or conflict, and you keep rehashing the words said over and over in your mind. You think of one liners you wish you’d said and replay the newly written scene over and over as well. Your blood pressure rises. That, I have always been quite sure- is not healthy or good. But grief is so set aside from any other life things- it is hard to compare. I do know that I’ve heard it is healthy and necessary to tell the story over and over again. As I wrote quite a few months ago, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says it often brings you answers or solace through the listeners unexpectedly. I have found that to be very true.
But I suppose, at some point, even with this otherworldly emotion, you decide it is enough. I don’t mean enough of feeling the sorrow-that is yours to keep- but processing the physical death- the facts that led you to this dismal moment in time. Like when I read the signature on the widow board that made me laugh my dark humor laugh, “all grieved out.” But does one have to fully comprehend that your husband drowned over a year ago and is buried and this is not a really long dream to be all grieved out? Or should I give up on that part as well…the comprehension.
Perhaps comprehending your death is going to take a kind of faith just like the faith it takes to believe your soul is alive and doing just fine. And maybe in each case, I need to believe before I can understand. This isn’t usually the way we do things, but then again nothing about the grieving process follows the standard protocol for life as we once knew it. A belief that yes, you did die. No, I won’t see you again on this earth. A belief that you are not lost and when I follow to the “real world,” I will indeed see you again.
“I do not seek to understand so that I can believe, but I believe so that I may understand; and what is more, I believe that unless I do believe, I shall not understand.” St. Anselm