Sometimes I simply wonder when I get this for a moment- these are still rare flashes of raw reality- when it will not seem ridiculous to me that this is real and I am the recipient of it.
It seems they don’t have see saws anymore the way they used to when we were kids. They have these contraptions that a child sits on either side of and then the bounce. But remember those metal see saws? If your “friend” decided to get off without letting you know, you came down hard. Experiencing that once was enough to make me quite choosy about who I’d go on the see saw with. Losing a spouse suddenly is like that. Hitting that metal hard to the ground ’til it rings through your bones and up to your skull.
Another particularly traumatic incident for me on the playground was a fall I took in the third grade from those monkey bars that go across. Some girls would sit on top of that and flip upside down until they hung right side up again. I knew I couldn’t do it but I got up there anyway and bluffed to some friends that I was going to do it. The next thing I remember- I was inhaling dirt. It’s a feeling I will never forget. I had fallen flat on my face from the height of maybe five or six feet. (Hard to know how tall it was from adult eyes) My face was not pretty and I was knocked unconscious. This feels like that- like maybe I was sitting up there with my husband and child thinking maybe I was getting this, bluffing a bit, and then…breathing in blood and dirt.