It seems now, like all of my tears each time we said goodbye and you left to tour for a few weeks-
were just a foretaste of what was to come.
You and I have been looking at life’s events together for so long, it is so strange to go through this one- without you. I sometimes imagine this is happening to someone else so that I can imagine what you and I would have said about it together- how we would’ve gotten through.
Except it’s us it’s happening to. But separately- not together. On opposite sides now.
I haven’t missed your “help” per say yet, because I was pretty accustomed to taking care of things myself- around the house, with Audrey, bills, stuff like that.
But tonight I do. I miss you carrying up the groceries and parking the car while I came up with Audrey. I miss you bringing in the water pitcher at night, and washing the dishes. But mostly, I miss your comforting, reassuring presence to me. Your quiet leadership that let me know which way to go so many times. I miss the way you’d tell me how nice I look on a day when I was feeling the worst. I miss hearing you tell me I’m a good cook and Audrey, “Aren’t we lucky mommy’s such a good cook!” I miss your smile or the crinkle of your nose across a crowded room to let me know what you were thinking without words. I miss hearing you read to Audrey in a Scottish accent. I miss how you’d go grocery shopping and call me a seventeen times to ask me a question about my list. “Yes?” I’d say when I answered. I desperately miss your massages- the ones that healed my neck, my carpal tunnel and torn hip joint. Remember when one therapist would literally pull on my left leg from the foot to alleviate the pressure at my hip and you tried it at home and I screamed?
I realize that although I have understood the permanence of this from day one, I can feel my soul is in a state of waiting all the time now. I wonder if that means I really don’t get the permanence of your death- or maybe it means- there will be a day I will see you again. Like my tears each time you left were a foretaste of this great separation…the anticipation planted in me now
is a foretaste of a far-off reunion.
I miss you deeply.