by | Apr 1, 2011 | 0 comments

It’s one of those days, I dread logging into this blog.

I don’t care to relive the past few days.  I prefer to block it out and watch my current Korean drama0 but I know I can’t go to sleep with all this.  So…I’ll write it out.  When emotion is heavy and wet, my words I notice, are more dry…shorter sentences and phrases.  Anything to get it out in a controlled manner…bit by bit.  I add a funnel of words to the downpour so it is manageable.

My first visit with my inlaws as your widow Dan…is over.

I reward myself with a chocopie I bought before they came as I sit here on our bed.

Audrey is loudly singing herself to sleep as I type, “I woves you, you woves me, we’re a habby bamily!”

The past few days reminded me of your funeral- something I knew would be so painful, but I had no choice but to march straight into.  No choice but to take each step down the church aisle towards that strange figure I saw lying there.

When they arrive, I am cooking for them in the kitchen.  My mother in law comes in and embraces me tightly and we both cry.   I am overwhelmed by the emotion I feel holding your mother like this.  It is as if we have just received the phone call.  I get tissues and hand her one.

I cook.  We eat.  Galbi, mee yook guk soup, panchan, kimchi, The rice is too dry.  I didn’t put enough water.

After Audrey goes to sleep, you dad surprises me by climbing into the air mattress I have set up in the living room at 9 pm.  Your mom and I sit nearby and look through photo albums talking quietly about you.  Your dad pops up as we start to talk about your death and the things we don’t know or understand. We talk about the little that we do know.  We shake our heads.

I sneak into bed with Audrey in the pack and play next to me and quietly do my freelance work on the computer in the dark.


April 1, 2011


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