Empty House

I am laying in bed.

She is “trying” to nap in her crib but so far she’s had a parade with all of her “amamals” jumping around in there, and looked through a book of snowflake photographs I left in there pointing at each one saying, “Do you wannn dat one?  Orrrr dat one!”

I am drinking Korean honey/citron tea- your favorite.  I’m still not feeling well at all, but probably better since I had the urge to start deep cleaning our kitchen this morning.  I remember being sick a few months ago and a Korean friend offering me this tea- I couldn’t imagine drinking it because it made me too sad…but the last time I was at the Korean grocery store, I bought a large jar after a short debate in my mind.  Today it brought me comfort to drink this.  The grief is evolving.  I am aware of this.

Now she is looking at the family photo from her first birthday that her Hello Kitty doll holds- where you and I are kissing her on either cheek…”There’s maaaaaama, and theeeere’s aaapa, and there’s Auuudreeeey!”

I cry.

I can’t stand how incomplete and truncated our family feels.  Of course, her and I are still a family, but we are so, painfully incomplete without you.   Yesterday, I went to pick her up at a neighbor’s who had kindly volunteered to watch her so I could rest for a bit.  As I went down the hall I could hear the sounds of Audrey playing with the two little boys and tears started to stream down my face.  I wanted for her to have a home with a complete family- father and mother- and siblings too.  I am sorry for her that she has to come back with me to our house.

A house where someone is always missing…and where it always feels so empty when I turn the key in the door and go in.  Every time.

1 thought on “Empty House”

  1. Audrey is not missing her mommy and the home you and Dan made for her. YOU are home and comfort and you are what she has of your husband. You are a gift and a light to your daughter. You fill her up. I see something to be so very proud of there.

    I am still reading and praying for you.
    Trina in CA

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