Today I had a really bad day – unrelated to the grief mostly- which I actually take as a sign of progress. It’s the first time I’ve thought, “Today is a bad day,” since you died…because every day and each moment has been concentrated wretchedness. So…things must be changing.
Since my parents were watching Audrey, I got to run a few errands by myself and try out the “screaming in the car” thing one of my readers/fellow grievers suggested. It was frightening, but good. I screamed at you asking you if you even knew what this was like, what I’m going through at all. It didn’t take much for me to feel satiated. Then I was done, wiped away my tears in the rearview mirror, and drove to the library to pick up a video I’d put on reserve for Audrey and a few more books for myself. Appearing normal on the outside like this now while undergoing such intense emotional on the inside, I often wonder now what every other person might be going through under a composed surface of hellos and how are you’s.”
I’m glad I keep reading in grief books that you will feel like you’re going crazy, because I think this about myself numerous times a day.
Last night (this morning) I dreamt of you. It was the estrangement dream again…in it, you and I had gone our separate ways and you were with someone else and I was too…but I was longing only for you. We were in the same setting and I was completely preoccupied with where you were or what you were doing…and I felt so sad, and I just knew that if you and I could hug for a moment- everything would be OK and we’d come back together again- you’d come back to me.
It’s odd, even the you in my dreams isn’t really you anymore…he’s more like a doppelganger- he looks like you- but he…just isn’t. He’s an impostor.
Still, despite the feeling of longing and estrangement in the dream, I woke up feeling like I’d just had a wonderful dream…just because you were in it and I remembered it. I wonder how many dreams I have like this every night- but I just don’t remember any of them. I wonder how many.