Doppelganger

by | Jan 29, 2011 | 0 comments

Today I had a really bad day – unrelated to the grief mostly- which I actually take as a sign of progress.  It’s the first time I’ve thought, “Today is a bad day,” since you died…because every day and each moment has been concentrated wretchedness.  So…things must be changing.

Since my parents were watching Audrey, I got to run a few errands by myself and try out the “screaming in the car” thing one of my readers/fellow grievers suggested.  It was frightening, but good.  I screamed at you asking you if you even knew what this was like, what I’m going through at all.  It didn’t take much for me to feel satiated.  Then I was done, wiped away my tears in the rearview mirror, and drove to the library to pick up a video I’d put on reserve for Audrey and a few more books for myself.  Appearing normal on the outside like this now while undergoing such intense emotional on the inside, I often wonder now what every other person might be going through under a composed surface of hellos and how are you’s.”

I’m glad I keep reading in grief books that you will feel like you’re going crazy, because I think this about myself numerous times a day.

Last night (this morning) I dreamt of you.  It was the estrangement dream again…in it, you and I had gone our separate ways and you were with someone else and I was too…but I was longing only for you.  We were in the same setting and I was completely preoccupied with where you were or what you were doing…and I felt so sad, and I just knew that if you and I could hug for a moment- everything would be OK and we’d come back together again- you’d come back to me.

It’s odd, even the you in my dreams isn’t really you anymore…he’s more like a doppelganger- he looks like you- but he…just isn’t.  He’s an impostor.

Still, despite the feeling of longing and estrangement in the dream, I woke up feeling like I’d just had a wonderful dream…just because you were in it and I remembered it.  I wonder how many dreams I have like this every night- but I just don’t remember any of them.  I wonder how many.

JAC

January 29, 2011

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

You May Also Like…

List-making in a Dark Time

List-making in a Dark Time

For any other list-makers out there, I published this on HerStories yesterday.""In this time of quarantine, my lists are offering me space outside of the walls of my home, a way of making sense of chaos, a self-imposed structure on structure-less days, and even a way...

Simple Things

Simple Things

"In our deepest self we keep living with the illusion that we will always be the same." Henri Nowen "It's really very simple," my late spiritual director, Gladys, once said to me. She was talking about how she lived each day, waking up, having a written conversation...

Continuous Living

Continuous Living

"Anxiety turns us toward courage, because the other alternative is despair." Paul Tillich I've claimed "seasonal affective disorder" for years, and that may be so, but I'm starting to realize it's not only summer to fall that is hard for me. It's winter to spring, and...