The pain is so heavy- I want to put it down or take it out.  Where can I put it down?  Even the writing isn’t helping anymore.

I’ve been crying a lot more intermittently throughout the day.  I must be in the anger stage because I feel pretty damn angry a lot of the time.  But I don’t really have a place to put the anger down either- a place to put it.  I must be angry at Dan a little…at God…a few others, but I don’t really feel specific about it.  I just feel pissed.

I demand from God or Dan some kind of sign- to throw me just something to hold onto.

I’ve been waiting for a rainbow because on Dan’s birthday many years ago we saw a full arch across Manhattan from the other side of the river.  He had been feeling really down, and I told him it was his rainbow from God- a promise.  He seemed to really cheer right up.

So tonight while Audrey was eating dinner, I checked FB and saw another friend post about a rainbow.  I went to my living room window because she lives nearby hoping I might see it and then when I didn’t, I cursed.  Why should she see a rainbow?  What about me?

I sat down to eat again when I got a text on my phone from a new friend…it said, “if you go outside really quickly…” and i knew with those words it was about the rainbow.  I was already picking up Audrey out of her high chair.  The second half of her text came after: “there’s a rainbow over the river.”

Audrey was in the middle of eating, but I scooped her up, put on my shoes, grabbed hers, and ran to the elevator, ran out the lobby of our building, down the path to the river.  I literally ran.  I didn’t want to get there and find nothing.  And I didn’t.  There was the rainbow.   We could see both sides, but not the middle part up in the sky.  I cried.

I am angry.  I am confused, but this is me- running towards hope- dropping everything to believe.