Pulling Back

by | Oct 9, 2010 | 1 comment

Last night I had a dream with you in it- nothing mystical; I’m fairly certain you’re in my dreams every night in a rather casual way.  My deceased grandparents have also been showing up though, which is kind of strange.

But last night, somewhere in our interactions, I just thought, “Why am I still wearing your wedding ring around my neck if you’re alive?” and we all looked at your empty finger and then kind of laughed at it – and I gave it back.

If I were to analyze this and say that you represent a part of myself- as every person does in a dream- then am I trying to give myself back the gaping hole that I’ve lost?  I doubt it’s time for that just yet- I think instead it was just my subconscious literally making the correction seeing you without the ring.

My life still feels like it might be a nightmare at any moment, but things are shifting- and this is the way it happens- the old life- before july 6th- starts to feel like the dream.  Because it’s as if they can’t possibly both exist in the same whole life- so one or the other- ping pong back and forth right now- real, imagined- dreamt, real.

I think I had sort of an epiphany before though- that maybe I keep inflicting the pain on myself by forcing myself back into the past- to feel what it felt like to be with you- how it was- and then experience the intense shock and loss – again, and again, and again.  I do it because I think it’s just my way of processing what is still very hard to believe.  But it’s like in going back to the past- which is over- and something I wouldn’t have consistently done had you been alive- I am pulling back the bow of a bow and arrow- stretching it so taut back where it gains all of the power and energy- and when I let it go and find myself back here- the arrows hit me – right in the chest.  Fresh wounds.  So…perhaps I can just stay where I am- in the new reality.  It doesn’t mean I don’t get how horrible this is- but maybe being here- in the present- I have new strength and even mystical sensibilities to deal with it that the me of the past does not.

And so…I want to lay down my bow
and
arrow.

JAC

October 9, 2010

1 Comment

  1. Anne D

    "Things are shifting" — This is Life; you can let it happen and still see a continuity between then and now.

    Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

You May Also Like…

List-making in a Dark Time

List-making in a Dark Time

For any other list-makers out there, I published this on HerStories yesterday.""In this time of quarantine, my lists are offering me space outside of the walls of my home, a way of making sense of chaos, a self-imposed structure on structure-less days, and even a way...

Simple Things

Simple Things

"In our deepest self we keep living with the illusion that we will always be the same." Henri Nowen "It's really very simple," my late spiritual director, Gladys, once said to me. She was talking about how she lived each day, waking up, having a written conversation...

Continuous Living

Continuous Living

"Anxiety turns us toward courage, because the other alternative is despair." Paul Tillich I've claimed "seasonal affective disorder" for years, and that may be so, but I'm starting to realize it's not only summer to fall that is hard for me. It's winter to spring, and...