Last night I had a dream with you in it- nothing mystical; I’m fairly certain you’re in my dreams every night in a rather casual way. My deceased grandparents have also been showing up though, which is kind of strange.
But last night, somewhere in our interactions, I just thought, “Why am I still wearing your wedding ring around my neck if you’re alive?” and we all looked at your empty finger and then kind of laughed at it – and I gave it back.
If I were to analyze this and say that you represent a part of myself- as every person does in a dream- then am I trying to give myself back the gaping hole that I’ve lost? I doubt it’s time for that just yet- I think instead it was just my subconscious literally making the correction seeing you without the ring.
My life still feels like it might be a nightmare at any moment, but things are shifting- and this is the way it happens- the old life- before july 6th- starts to feel like the dream. Because it’s as if they can’t possibly both exist in the same whole life- so one or the other- ping pong back and forth right now- real, imagined- dreamt, real.
I think I had sort of an epiphany before though- that maybe I keep inflicting the pain on myself by forcing myself back into the past- to feel what it felt like to be with you- how it was- and then experience the intense shock and loss – again, and again, and again. I do it because I think it’s just my way of processing what is still very hard to believe. But it’s like in going back to the past- which is over- and something I wouldn’t have consistently done had you been alive- I am pulling back the bow of a bow and arrow- stretching it so taut back where it gains all of the power and energy- and when I let it go and find myself back here- the arrows hit me – right in the chest. Fresh wounds. So…perhaps I can just stay where I am- in the new reality. It doesn’t mean I don’t get how horrible this is- but maybe being here- in the present- I have new strength and even mystical sensibilities to deal with it that the me of the past does not.
And so…I want to lay down my bow