Someone left a comment about continuity on one of my posts, and that got me thinking. That is the perfect word to describe what I no longer feel between my life prior to the phone call and afterwards. And…I think that’s why I keep forcing myself to go back and be that other girl- the innocent one- and then find myself here again- to feel the shock of this new reality.
Another new friend who recently lost her boyfriend tells me a similar story- that even reading old emails or correspondence, it just seems so unreal relative to her current reality.
So, I think the work of grieving- and it is the hardest work- is really to try to bridge that gulf somehow- the one that exists between your old and current reality. The question is, can it be bridged, and if so, how? It doesn’t feel like I’m even on the same plane of reality- but almost like I’ve been transported in a similar but lesser degree to the way Dan would’ve been transported to the tangible but invisible world of the afterlife. So I keep going back and forth- despite my best efforts to get used to this reality- I go back and forth I believe to try to construct some kind of ladder from there to here. But each time I go, it’s as though I leap over a giant precipice and when I look down I see endless falling.
I believe this is a process you can't force or direct. Let it go if possible and let time do its work. I understand how utterly frustrating this disorientation must be.