Unrecognizable

by | Sep 13, 2010 | 0 comments

My life and my self is unrecognizable.  I tell myself- I’m 34, I have a two-year old- I live in —.  Those parts were true before you died, but without you- I don’t recognize any of it.

The last time I was without you I was 22.  I am 34 now so I certainly can’t go back to being that girl.  I wasn’t perfect, but I really miss the more recent girl who died on July 6th because she was all I’ve known for quite some time.  I try to conjure her up sometimes by pretending you’re right here in the bedroom sitting at your computer.  I think maybe if I really convince myself you’re there and say something to you- I’ll feel like my old self- kind of like I did with the razor and the shower.  But it just doesn’t work at all anymore- it must be more real to me because I can’t pretend.  I can’t manufacture that voice or way I would speak to you because I can’t trick myself into believing you’re here anymore.

I miss even the sarcasm and the bickering which we did quite often.  But those melded together with laughing at ourselves and tickling and hugs.  I forget what it feels like to laugh or smile genuinely- not the way I do now for Audrey’s sake or to feel the relief for one moment.

Someone from church who I barely know came over to drop off a meal tonight.  She had compassion in her eyes as they welled up with tears and she told me she hadn’t known what to say.  I showed her the table with your photos and told her it was very hard.  She asked me specific things she and her husband could pray for and I gave her a few ideas…something I wouldn’t have bothered with in the early days- I remember thinking, “Pray?  Why?  He already died.”  And then as we were talking- and Audrey was eating her applesauce at the table- I began to cry and she asked if she could give me a hug.  Audrey slowed down with her applesauce and watched inquisitively as I hugged this woman and we both cried.  When she left, I wanted to make sure Audrey was OK with what she saw.  I sat down and told Audrey that sometimes mommy just needs a hug because she feels sad because she misses appa.  I told her that it’s good to get a hug if you feel sad.  She asked me for a hug.  I asked her if she misses you too- and she said yes.

JAC

September 13, 2010

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

List-making in a Dark Time

List-making in a Dark Time

For any other list-makers out there, I published this on HerStories yesterday.""In this time of quarantine, my lists are offering me space outside of the walls of my home, a way of making sense of chaos, a self-imposed structure on structure-less days, and even a way...

Simple Things

Simple Things

"In our deepest self we keep living with the illusion that we will always be the same." Henri Nowen "It's really very simple," my late spiritual director, Gladys, once said to me. She was talking about how she lived each day, waking up, having a written conversation...

Continuous Living

Continuous Living

"Anxiety turns us toward courage, because the other alternative is despair." Paul Tillich I've claimed "seasonal affective disorder" for years, and that may be so, but I'm starting to realize it's not only summer to fall that is hard for me. It's winter to spring, and...