Planning in my head today.  Taking advantage of the reprieve of that acute pain and just dwelling in the ordinary numbness and average agony.

Thinking about:

Audrey’s birthday: It’s coming up on the 20th.  I know it’ll be a difficult day, but I will focus my energy on seeing her joyful and that will help.  She has requested: purple balloons, blueberry cake, vanilla cupcakes, and yellow lollipops.  She would like to invite grandma and grandpa.  She would like dancing.  I will try to make it happen in our small apartment.  I will clear out some of the furniture- and yes, I will make it happen.

A Tribute concert for Dan: This is now set for September 27th in Williamsburg, Brooklyn at the Music Hall of Williamsburg.  I’m not sure how I’ll get there or who I’ll attend with for support, but I’m not worried about that.  Thinking more about the emotional possibilities.  Hoping that everyone who attends will focus on honoring Dan above all else.

Taking a trip.  I still laugh when I think about how at the funeral I remember telling some people when they invited me to come visit them in their respective states-(which was a very popular thing to say to the new widow) that yes, I might do some traveling now.  As if I was on sabbatical or something.  Perhaps, a strange sabbatical from the old realities.  Actually yes, because my old heavens and old earth actually have passed away.

But now I think about taking a trip to Maine to visit friends in the fall- in October maybe.  Dan and I had planned to do this trip in August sometime as our family summer vacation.  Audrey and I have not been anywhere since last August- and that was just the Jersey shore.  I think a change of scenery will be healthy for us- if just for a few days.  I will look at traveling on a plane alone with Audrey as an adventure.  But…I will miss holding your hand during lift-off when I get scared as I always do seeing the land at an angle like that.

Making a play space for Audrey: I’m thinking of rearranging furniture just a little bit- afraid to do too much for fear it will aid Audrey’s amnesia.  But thinking of dividing our dining area into play sections: one for dress up, one for reading, one for her play kitchen.  And this necessitates a trip to IKEA.  So I’ve been looking through the new catalog and online.

The holidays: I may as well plan ahead.  I am thinking of traveling during Christmas as well.  Going to a warmer climate sounds like a good idea.  I believe I’ve been here for every Christmas of my life- so maybe it’s time for a change.

Yesterday the counselor asked me as others have when I said I just had to have a break from the constant grief- “Well, what did you do before for fun or distraction?”  That is a problem you see…I’ve never been good at that.  Dan was that part of the relationship.  In fact, in an email a few days before his death, I simply wrote one thing: “Can you teach Audrey to have fun, because I don’t think I know how?”  That was it.   The counselor tells me that is one of the things I may reinvest- I may start learning now.  But then I told her I was thinking of buying some low storage shelves from IKEA to put our photo albums in so that they’d be more accessible and I could put framed photos more at A’s eye level.  I saw some nice ones with doors, and then I told her that actually- projects were my way of having fun.  Organizing and cleaning and planning parties,  stuff like that.

In the very early days I felt rage and nausea at every catalog that arrived in the mail because it seemed so utterly meaningless.  It has not gained back its meaning- all this planning and these projects- but it is productive, and it’s a great distraction.  I need a little bit of that right now.  I’m sure that you understand Dan.