The afternoon consisted of Audrey watching a video while I lay next to her. Audrey hanging on me asking me to play with play dough with her, while I googled your name and read the articles surrounding your death- some I hadn’t seen before. It is very difficult that you died such a public death when for most of our life together, you were not a public figure. I read a few harsh comments suggesting that you couldn’t swim or were drinking. Neither of these are true. I felt angry at people who would see you as just an article to comment on, rather than a husband and father who was lost to us. While I was reading those, Audrey started getting frustrated- maybe she felt my own emotions. So she started to pull on me and ask to watch a video on your iPod and she started to cry and I started to cry too. That was the afternoon.
We ate dinner and worked on a puzzle before bed. I skipped bath time altogether- no energy. Not the easiest thing to do- help a toddler with a puzzle that’s a bit too challenging for her while in the midst of debilitating grief. As she tries to shove any two pieces together: “No, look for the colors that match.” “No, that’s a corner piece.” OK, she’s not even two and she’s pretty good at the puzzle actually, but I was counting the minutes until bedtime. The cold and heavy feeling in my chest that I had in those early days is back and had been building there all day.
After she was asleep, I watched the video I posted below- the one I made last year for our 5 year anniversary. You were away and I was sad that we didn’t get to do anything special. I made you promise that for our ten year we’d go back to the resort we stayed at in Mexico on our honeymoon. Was so looking forward to that- now I wish we’d just gone for no occasion at all. As I watched some of the more random, intimate moments of our marriage- you became you again. You weren’t the “cellist” anymore, but just my Dan…looking at your face was kind of like looking at myself. And I couldn’t believe that you’re truly gone. I am glad I made that slideshow for you last year- I’m glad ended it by telling you I’d love you forever. It was a tough year- this last one, but I hope you remembered that. I will love you forever.