Oh here it comes, the very childish sounding, “Why me?”
I haven’t thought those words yet because instead I was thinking, “Why not me?” Especially once you talk to other widows or even people who have suffered other huge losses- you realize how many other people are going through this kind of trauma, so why should you be any different?
But…on the other side of the coin- you look around at all the morons who are happily going along in their mediocre lives- and you get to the third why – “Why not them?” Why do they get to go on living, even when the couples don’t look all that happy together, or they don’t seem kind or like they are contributing anything to society or the world. I realize this sounds harsh and unkind- but it’s my genuine thoughts when I’m out the world- like I was this morning when a friend drove me to the bank.
My husband was a contributor- he was doing the right things. He was wholeheartedly in love with his wife and child- and doing what he was called to do to provide for them.
Is there anything redeeming about your death Dan? I ask myself that, mostly in unconscious ways- and no, no there is nothing redeeming. Not one thing.