I hear that the air conditioning has just gone on. I’d forgotten to shut it off when I opened all the windows this morning, but I am just too drained to get up and turn it off.
OK- apparently I’m cheaper than I am drained and dramatic because I just got up and shut it off.
So, this morning was slow. I let A. fuss for a while in her crib after such a long night and we probably didn’t get up ’til around 7:15-7:30. Instead of dressing her fully, she wound up with the Australia T-shirt Dan got her- which she consistently picks out to wear- and a diaper. We usually eat breakfast by 8, but it was 9:30 by the time I boiled some eggs, made her toast, and cut up some fruit for her. By then, my parents had already arrived- my dad to take my car for a new tire- they got a flat the other day while taking Audrey to her gym class-my mom to take Audrey out for a walk so I could rest this morning.
I was trying to rest when Dan’s iphone rang (I guess it’s mine now), and I saw a foreign country code. I figured it was my in-laws, and of course wanted to talk to them. My mil wanted to skype so they could see Audrey.
That’s when things got so hard. The last time Audrey and I skyped with anyone was July 5, 2010- with Dan when he had arrived at the hotel in Switzerland. My last image of him was him putting his face right up to the camera on the computer – so he kind of looked like a person does on the other side of a door peep hole- and he was blowing Audrey kisses, while making the same sound Audrey does: “mmmm mah mmmm mah.”
So I put on Skype and Audrey said, “Appa appa!”
I let my inlaws watch Audrey dance around a bit and she waved and blew kisses, but it is just so hard. They showed me a book they’d put together with everything from Dan’s life and photos of the grave site and held it up for me to see. They asked me if I’d gone to “Dan’s place.”
“No, I haven’t gone there.” I have no desire to yet. Though I’m sure Audrey and I will at some point. Dan had asked to be cremated, but his parents wanted a place to visit, so in the end I decided Dan would do whatever made the most people happy- because he was like that- so easygoing. So, he is buried. I don’t even know how to get there- to that town or cemetery.
I prefer myself to visit the places that had special meaning and memories for us rather than a strange cemetery. Of course I do respect Dan’s body- and will make sure the grave is properly cared for, but I know the Dan I love is not there. That is just his shell.
It was promptly after we said goodbye on Skype that I felt my blood sugar drop, headed to the shower, and the keening began.