GRIEF

by | Aug 2, 2010 | 0 comments

I keep having this desire to put grief into words, because it is so new to me- and because i think- it is so elusive. It really does feel like an invisible foe, waiting to pounce on you at any moment. I want to pounce back with words like links of a chain that will keep him in place and show him to me for who he really is.

I have known many things in my life- sadness, fear, depression, but this – it is actually kind of otherworldly- it makes you think about the human capacity to feel such an emotion- if you can even call it that.
But I find myself consistently at a loss to describe it. I know when I started out, I said I wanted to write with Wordsworth’s definition of poetry in mind- spontaneous overflow of emotion recollected in tranquility. Well- you know what- perhaps grief is not poetic. When it is really flowing- it is more like a physical force- running through your body. And you know what- real grief- is wordless. It is made up of moans and groans from a place deep within. And yet, no matter how much you moan, there is no catharsis.
Keening- which you may have seen on TV when people die in a car bomb and old ladies in veils hover over them, is defined as A lamentation to the dead uttered in a loud wailing voice or wordless chattering cry.”

And it doesn’t just happen in other countries and it isn’t just practiced by old women.

I have done it for 20 minutes just now in my shower hoping that my mom had already taken Audrey out when it began. It brought me to my knees and I thought my physical heart might not be able to take it. And here I sit now, appearing calm, in my bathrobe, wet hair, on my bed, listening to the tropical green parrots that live, yes, in Edgewater, NJ -squawking outside my bedroom window, looking probably rather normal.

JAC

August 2, 2010
v

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

You May Also Like…

December 17, 2014- A New Blog

It has been almost a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog.  In my mind, this blog was complete.  And yet, there was a lack of finality to it.  Grief has no finality, though it does have evolution and change, while this blog does have finality simply because...

Speed of Light

On the eve of your death I am watching town fireworks the day after the fourth of July. I am overwhelmed by the crowd of families around us on blankets with glo-sticks and cotton candy as we wait for darkness in the still, hot, summer air.  There is a Korean...

Father’s Day 2013

Father’s Day 2013

This is the third time.  It is brutal.I haven't felt it helpful or complex enough to say, "It's not fair; it's just not fair," in the past three years.  But on this day, I think those words a lot. Unless your young child has lost a parent, you cannot imagine...