The Future

by | Jul 29, 2010 | 0 comments

I have been a believer since I was about 13.

Of course there have been many ups and downs on the journey, and at a time like this- “Christianese” quotations or even verses are just no comfort at all.
Dan and I both had been struggling with our faith the past few years. I truly believe we were going to a deeper place though- a place where we were comfortable enough in our relationship with God to ask the hard questions- just as we were comfortable enough with each other to push the boundaries at times when we fought and struggled.
With this belief- there is a lot of hope. I know I would not have this same hope if I wasn’t a believer, or a follower of “The Way,” as it was said of Christ’s earliest followers. I would hate to just starting grabbing onto some angel in the clouds kind of philosophy just because I am grieving and want to or need to believe suddenly in an afterlife. That would be a false comfort based on neediness rather than the truth. So I feel very lucky to already have this firm foundation- and that it is one that Daniel and I shared.
Still- at a time like this- I need a lot of reassurance. I don’t “feel” God just as I don’t feel much of anything- I’m numb. There have been a few signs and symbols here and there, but for the most part I’m leaning on the faith of the witnesses around me. So in the early days, I asked our old pastor, Mike and many others- “Do you believe Dan is right now in the presence of God?” They answered me with great certainty and no hesitation.
I also asked this question of an old boss of mine who is a believer, and one that seems particularly steady to me- intellectually based rather than emotional- her answer brought me much comfort:

I truly do. And I will be praying for God to show up here, and reassure you on that note.

And then she wrote this:

Daniel is not just part of your past. He is part of your future.


July 29, 2010


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like…

December 17, 2014- A New Blog

It has been almost a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog.  In my mind, this blog was complete.  And yet, there was a lack of finality to it.  Grief has no finality, though it does have evolution and change, while this blog does have finality simply because...

Speed of Light

On the eve of your death I am watching town fireworks the day after the fourth of July. I am overwhelmed by the crowd of families around us on blankets with glo-sticks and cotton candy as we wait for darkness in the still, hot, summer air.  There is a Korean...

Father’s Day 2013

Father’s Day 2013

This is the third time.  It is brutal.I haven't felt it helpful or complex enough to say, "It's not fair; it's just not fair," in the past three years.  But on this day, I think those words a lot. Unless your young child has lost a parent, you cannot imagine...