I’m alone tonight. I keep the baby monitor on loudly so it’s not too quiet in this room.
It has been a draining day and I actually feel tired at only 10:30 pm which is unusual for me.
Having not been alone that much yet, I find myself just sitting and trying to comprehend it. I stare at your desk. I visualize you sitting there as if if I stare long enough at the picture in my mind you’ll actually appear in the flesh. And when I see you there, bouncing your knees as you type emails to music contacts, or read about soccer games – touching your chin with your thumb and forefinger- i want to tell you you’re going to die – please don’t go.
Since you left the world, I feel afraid of the dark. I don’t trust myself to stay up late alone at night. I feel watched or like you’re going to jump out at me from behind a wall. A friend says my body is still in shock.
Another friend gave me this quote yesterday from Brothers Karamozov. It helps:
“I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world’s finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they’ve shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened.”