In one of her books, Madeline L’Engle recounted a story she had heard: “Someone tells me of a story of a bishop who lost his wife and child in a tragic accident.  And he said to his people, ‘I have been all the way to the bottom.  And it is solid.'” I too have found that to be true—for the most part. Like Flannery O’Connor once wrote, “I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.”

 

Word keeper, mother, observer, sacred eavesdropper, close-reader, wounded healer, beauty-finder, skeptic, and trying to put all that into words. Lover of libraries, crepuscular rays, murmurations, etymology, flowers and dachshunds in sweaters; the scents of lavender, coffee, and books. An anglophile whose favorite writing accoutrements are a cup of PG Tips and digestives with dark chocolate.

Published Works

DEAR AUDREY 

After my 33-year-old husband, a well-known rock cellist, drowned in Lake Geneva, Switzerland while touring with singer Regina Spektor, I found myself searching for meaning in the intersection of fresh widowhood and young motherhood. I documented both at Dear Audrey.

Moments

Every day I am absolutely amazed at how infiltrated you are into my consciousness.  I am tempted sometimes to try to capture it- by using a notepad or the recorder on my iphone- the stream of consciousness way that everything I see or touch leads to you....

Under the Knife

There is no inebriate.  There is no sedative.   No anesthetic.  I go under the knife again.I had been hoping I'd felt the worst of this- willing to go along with societal pressures to hurry up and grieve and get going again.  Even though other...

Two Years

It's two years today since I saw your face for the first time Audrey.  It was 8:22 pm on a Saturday night, September 20th.  My labor had started the Friday before at around 6 pm.  26 hours of long, hard labor.  A random stranger congratulated me as...

Miscarriage

Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant- quite pregnant, I have a vague notion that I was exactly 20 weeks in. And then my stomach just started to deflate a little bit, and I told you that I didn't "feel" pregnant anymore. I remember telling you that when I had the...

Here I Am

There's a reason I haven't been finding the time to write here- and it's not because I feel like I've wrapped things up.  It's because I can't stand the pain anymore.  It's like I reached the exact point in my labor with Audrey when, in the tub laboring on...

Things I’m Thinking About Doing

Making the album I planned on making you with photos and memorabilia from your tours.Eventually sifting through all of the memorial letters I received and putting them in a hard bound book for Audrey and I to read together one day.Growing my hair indefinitely.Buying a...

Last Week

Last week was a shitty week...that is truly the best word I can come up with to articulate it.  Not so much grief-related- just life-related.  But of course, harder.For different reasons every day, I wound up crying in my parked car a lot. Audrey had a...

Forward…then Backward

It's forward and then backward.Numbness and then rawness.Putting it away because it is too fierce.  Putting it down.  Keeping busy.  Then late at night in a quiet room- picking it back up again.  Trying to comprehend.We take the 2 mylar heart...

Tuesday Morning

I feel OK.  When I feel OK it is because I feel proud I am doing this, but also because I've forgotten how very permanent your absence is for a little while.  I don't know how long it will take for that to sink in.  I will never see you again. Every...

Tribute

This is what I read at your funeral Dan. I wasn't even aware that a bunch of people were listening. It was and remains from me to you:dear daniel, I feel as though I've been watching you go away for a large part of our relationship- on buses and trains while we dated,...

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.

Frederick Buechner

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No feed found.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to create a feed.